CBWL – Gas South Arena
Off-Air Aftermath (Immediately After the Show)
The lights come up as the final image of Hilary Duff screaming on the ice fades from the screens. For a few seconds, the arena is strangely quiet. A lot of people are still in their seats, not moving. Some are looking at each other like they’re not sure if what they just saw was real or part of the show.
Then the noise starts to build.
There’s a low, uneasy murmur rolling through the building. A lot of people are talking — some in shock, some laughing nervously, others straight-up booing. A small section near the front is still chanting Emma’s name, but it’s mixed with a lot of confused and angry noise. Several fans are openly saying they think Hilary got hurt for real. Others are just repeating “What the fuck was that?” as they start getting up.
Security starts moving people toward the exits, but it’s slow. A lot of the crowd is lingering, still processing what they just saw. Some are recording on their phones even though the show is over. A few people near the front are yelling at the medical staff still working on Hilary, asking if she’s okay.
Ringside / Immediate Area
Hilary is still down on the ice when the lights come up. Medical has her on a backboard and is carefully moving her off the exposed ice patch. She’s no longer screaming, but she’s clearly in a lot of pain — breathing hard, eyes squeezed shut, and making low, pained sounds every time they shift her. One of the doctors keeps telling her to stay still.
Emma is already gone. She didn’t stick around after hitting The Watson Wall. She walked straight up the ramp and disappeared behind the curtain without acknowledging the crowd or the medical team.
Urkel is still standing in the circle looking rattled. He keeps glancing over at Hilary while medical works on her, like he’s not sure what just happened either.
Backstage / Locker Room Area
The mood backstage is tense and quiet.
Most of the women who were in the building are either in the locker room or standing around in small groups, talking in low voices. A few of them look genuinely shaken by how far the main event went. Some are saying Emma “snapped.” Others are saying Hilary deserved it after spitting in her face. There’s a clear divide in opinions, but almost everyone agrees the finish got way out of hand.
Cowboy Watts is in the hallway near the production area, smoking even though he’s not supposed to. He’s not saying much, but he looks pissed. Mariska is with him. She’s on her phone, already dealing with the fallout.
A couple of the agents who were working the show are standing off to the side, quietly talking about how Emma went into business for herself and how they’re going to have to clean it up. One of them says, “That wasn’t the finish. That was some other shit.”
Overall Vibe in the Building
The energy in the arena is weird. It doesn’t feel like a normal post-show atmosphere. There’s no real celebration or loud talking from the fans as they leave. A lot of people look unsettled. Some are arguing with each other about whether what they just saw was “too far.” Others are already on their phones posting about it.
By the time most of the crowd is gone, the arena feels half-empty and cold. The ice patch in the middle of the floor is still there, wet and uneven, with medical supplies and towels scattered around it. The building crew is already starting to clean up, but they’re moving slower than usual, like even they’re not sure how to feel about what just happened.
The show is over, but nobody really feels like it ended cleanly.
The agents are gathered in the small production office. Cowboy Watts sits at the head of the table with Jim Ross beside him. Tony Soprano, Joan Rivers, Sarah Palin, and Bill Parcells are seated around the table. Mariska Hargitay stands against the wall, arms crossed, listening.
Cowboy doesn’t waste time.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Let’s start with the main event, because that’s the thing that’s gonna bite us in the ass the hardest.”
He looks around the table.
Cowboy Watts: “Emma went into business for herself after the bell. She won the match clean, then decided to turn it into a shoot. She grabbed a mic, cut on Hilary, and when Hilary spat in her face, Emma decided to put her through the ice again with that crab hold. Hilary’s in the back right now with the doctors and she’s in rough shape. That wasn’t the finish we called.”
Joan Rivers (blunt): “Emma snapped. Plain and simple. She’s been walking around here like she’s above everybody for weeks and tonight she finally decided to prove it. That wasn’t wrestling. That was her trying to make herself look tough at Hilary’s expense.”
Tony Soprano: “Hilary shouldn’t have spit in her face either. That was stupid. But Emma didn’t have to keep the hold on after the match was over. She could’ve walked away. She chose not to.”
Sarah Palin: “The problem is we lost control. Once Emma started walking back down the ramp with the mic, somebody should’ve shut it down. Instead we let her turn the whole thing into a mess.”
Bill Parcells: “We can argue about who started what all night, but it doesn’t change the facts. Hilary’s hurt. And now we’ve got a finish that looks like a shoot instead of a worked match. The boys in the back are already talking about it.”
Jim Ross leans forward slightly.
Jim Ross: “The bigger issue is that Emma decided she was going to do what she wanted after the bell rang, and nobody stopped her. That can’t happen again. If the talent thinks they can just go into business for themselves whenever they feel like it, we’re gonna have problems every week.”
Cowboy nods, then looks over at Mariska.
Cowboy Watts: “What do you think?”
Mariska Hargitay: “I think Emma crossed a line. She won the match. That should’ve been enough. Instead she chose to hurt Hilary more than she needed to. And now we’re the ones who have to clean it up.”
Cowboy takes a drag off his cigarette and exhales.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. We’ll deal with Emma tomorrow. She’s not walking away from this like it was nothing. Hilary’s out for a while, that much is obvious. We’ll figure out the rest once we get a real report from the doctors.”
He looks around the table again.
Cowboy Watts: “While we’re here, let’s talk about the opening too. Taylor’s segment.”
The room shifts slightly as the focus moves.
Cowboy Watts: “She did the tribute to Sterling, did the extra ‘Locomotion’ bit we called in, and it got the crowd into it. That part worked. But I want to know what you guys thought about the rest of it.”
Joan Rivers: “It was fine. A little long, but it did what it needed to do. The crowd was into the dancing part. It got some heat and some laughs.”
Sarah Palin: “I thought it was okay. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t bad either. The ‘DRIVE ME STERLING’ thing on the ass got the reaction we wanted. The extra dancing helped stretch it out and keep the crowd warm.”
Tony Soprano: “It did the job. People were paying attention. That’s all that really matters for an opening segment when you’re working without a ring.”
Bill Parcells: “It was functional. Not the strongest thing on the show, but it got us started and got the crowd somewhat engaged before things went to shit later.”
Jim Ross nods slowly.
Jim Ross: “I thought it was solid for what it was. The extra ‘Locomotion’ bit helped. Without it, it probably would’ve felt too short and flat. The crowd was quiet at the beginning, but they warmed up once she started dancing.”
Cowboy leans back in his chair and looks around.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Anything else on the opening before we move on?”
The room stays quiet for a moment.
Joan Rivers: “Just one thing. The ‘DRIVE ME STERLING’ on the ass was funny the first time. The second and third time it got a little repetitive. But overall it worked.”
Cowboy nods.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. We’ll keep that in mind. Let’s keep going.”
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Next. Mariska’s office segment — the one where she called in the four girls who showed up unbooked and put them in that bathroom tag match.”
He glances over at Mariska, who’s still standing against the wall.
Cowboy Watts: “That was your segment. Go ahead.”
Mariska Hargitay: “It did what it needed to do. The girls were punished for showing up without being booked, and it set up the bathroom match later. It was short, it was direct, and it made it clear that we’re not running an open call out here.”
Joan Rivers (leaning forward): “It was fine, but it felt a little flat. Mariska came off cold, which is good, but the girls didn’t really react much. Boxxy tried to push back once and got shut down, but the rest of them just stood there and took it. It could’ve used a little more fire from somebody.”
Tony Soprano: “I thought it was okay. It got the point across. The girls looked like they knew they fucked up by showing up, and Mariska handled it like management should. Short and to the point. That’s all it needed to be.”
Sarah Palin: “It did the job. It made the unbooked girls look stupid for showing up, and it gave us a reason to put them in that match later. I don’t think it needed to be longer than it was.”
Bill Parcells: “It was functional. Nothing special, but it served its purpose. The only thing I’d say is that it felt a little one-sided. Mariska did all the talking. The girls barely said anything back. Made it feel more like a lecture than a confrontation.”
Jim Ross nods slowly.
Jim Ross: “I thought it was clean. It got the message across without dragging on. The only thing I’d watch is how often we do these ‘punishment’ segments. If we keep doing them every week, they start to lose their impact.”
Cowboy takes a drag off his cigarette and looks around.
Cowboy Watts: “Anything else on that one?”
Joan Rivers: “Just one thing. The ‘your match is next’ line at the end landed fine, but it might’ve hit harder if one of the girls had tried to argue a little more before Mariska shut it down. Right now it just felt like they rolled over too easy.”
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Let’s talk about that bathroom tag match. The one with Boxxy, Anya, Jennette, and Miranda. Tony, Joan — you two called that one. What’d you think?”
Tony Soprano (leaning back, blunt): “It did what it was supposed to do. Those girls showed up without being booked, so they got put in a nasty spot. The drowning spot was rough. Boxxy looked like she was actually in trouble for a second. That part worked.”
Joan Rivers (cutting in, sharp): “It was ugly, and that’s the point. But it also felt a little one-note. Jennette and Miranda just beat on Boxxy until she went limp, then walked out like it was nothing. It was mean, but it didn’t have much to it besides the shock value. And Anya standing there like a deer in headlights didn’t help. She looked weak.”
Cowboy Watts: “JR? What’d you see?”
Jim Ross (measured, calm): “I thought the execution was solid. The crowd reacted strongly when Boxxy stopped moving and the doctors had to come in. That part got real heat. The only thing I’d watch is how often we do these kinds of spots. If we keep putting girls in the toilet every other week, it stops feeling special and just starts feeling repetitive.”
Sarah Palin: “I thought it was fine. It made the unbooked girls look stupid for showing up, and it gave us a reason to use them later. The only issue is that it might’ve been a little too much for some people. A few fans were yelling that it went too far.”
Bill Parcells (gruff): “Too far? They showed up where they weren’t supposed to be. They got exactly what they earned. You don’t reward people for breaking the rules. That match sent a message. Sometimes you need to send a message the hard way.”
Tony Soprano: “Exactly. And it worked. Boxxy looked like shit when they pulled her out of that toilet. That image is gonna stick with people. That’s what we wanted.”
Joan Rivers: “It stuck, alright. But it also made Anya look like a complete coward. She got out first and just stood there while her partner was getting drowned. That’s the kind of thing that follows a girl around here. People don’t forget shit like that.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding slowly): “Alright. So the spot worked, but we might’ve made Anya look too weak in the process. Anything else on it before we move on?”
Jim Ross: “Just one thing. The crowd was loud when it was happening, but it died down pretty quick once the match ended. Might be worth thinking about how we follow up on something that heavy. If we just move on like nothing happened, it can feel like we did it for shock value and nothing else.”
The meeting has been moving along when Arnold Palmer, who had been quiet for most of it, leans forward and speaks up.
Arnold Palmer: “Before we move on… there’s something else about that bathroom match that I think we need to talk about.”
Everyone looks over at him.
Arnold Palmer: “I heard a rumor after the show. Apparently Sarah Silverman was egging Sheri Dew on earlier today. Told her to go take a crap in that same handicap toilet at lunch… and then again about twenty minutes before the match. And neither time did they flush.”
The room goes quiet for a second.
Tony Soprano (frowning): “You’re serious?”
Arnold Palmer: “That’s what I was told. And during the match, when they were fighting in the stall, one of the girls lifted the toilet seat. That’s when they realized the water was already dark. Boxxy had her head shoved in there while it was full of piss and shit. Nobody knew until that moment.”
Jim Ross (calm, but clearly unhappy): “Nobody called it? Not even the referee team?”
Arnold Palmer: “That’s the part that’s pissing me off. From what I heard, the refs knew about it. It was their little inside joke all night. They thought it was funny. Nobody said a word to production or to the agents working that match.”
Tony Soprano (after a beat, smirking): “…That’s fucked up.”
Joan Rivers (starting to laugh): “That’s disgusting. Jesus Christ. They really let her get her head dunked in that? And nobody said shit?”
Sarah Palin (chuckling): “I mean… that’s one way to teach somebody a lesson about showing up uninvited.”
Bill Parcells (grunting, half-laughing): “Goddamn. That’s nasty. I’ve seen some rough ribs in my day, but that one takes the cake.”
Arnold Palmer (shaking his head, but smiling a little): “I’m just saying, I heard the refs were laughing about it backstage like it was the funniest thing they’d seen all week. Apparently Sarah Silverman was the one who put Sheri Dew up to it earlier in the day. Twice. And nobody flushed.”
Tony Soprano (laughing under his breath): “Sheri Dew shitting in the handicap stall before a match… and then they dunk Boxxy’s head in it. That’s some sick shit. Literally.”
Joan Rivers (still laughing): “I mean, it’s horrible. But you gotta admit… that’s a hell of a rib. Poor Boxxy probably still doesn’t even know what was in that water.”
Cowboy Watts (leaning back, rubbing his face, but not looking particularly angry): “Jesus Christ. That’s fucked. But… it is what it is. They wanted to teach those girls a lesson about showing up when they weren’t supposed to. They got one.”
Jim Ross (calm, but clearly not amused): “Still. That’s crossing a line. If that had gone any worse, we’d be dealing with a real problem right now.”
Tony Soprano (shrugging): “Yeah, but it didn’t. She’s fine. A little traumatized, probably, but fine. And the match went over. That’s all that really matters.”
Sarah Palin (smirking): “Plus, now everybody knows not to show up when they’re not booked. Mission accomplished, right?”
Cowboy Watts (chuckling dryly): “Alright, alright. It was a nasty rib. We’ll talk to the refs about keeping that kind of shit to themselves next time. But we’re not gonna make a whole thing out of it. It happened, it’s over, and the match got a reaction. Let’s move on.”
Joan Rivers (still grinning): “Poor Boxxy. She’s gonna be smelling that for weeks.”
Bill Parcells (laughing): “Welcome to CBWL.”
Cowboy shakes his head, still smirking a little, and looks around the table.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright, enough of that shit. Let’s keep moving. Next up — that backstage segment with Emma and Hilary before the main event. The one where they had that little talk in the hallway.”
He glances over at Sarah Palin and Bill Parcells.
Cowboy Watts: “You two called that one. What’d you think?”
Sarah Palin: “It was fine. It did what it needed to do. They came across like two women who actually wanted to have a real match. It set the tone that this wasn’t gonna be another shitshow like some of the other segments. I thought it was solid.”
Bill Parcells: “I liked it. It felt different from most of the stuff we do. They actually sounded like they respected each other, but there was still some edge there. Especially from Hilary. It made the main event feel like it actually mattered before everything went off the rails later.”
Tony Soprano: “Yeah, but it was a little soft for my taste. They were being too nice to each other. I get that we were trying to make it feel like a ‘respect’ match at first, but it almost made them look too friendly. Especially Emma. She came off a little preachy.”
Joan Rivers: “I thought it was okay. A little boring, if I’m being honest. They just stood there talking like two normal people. It didn’t have much bite until Hilary told her not to hold back. That part was good. The rest of it felt like filler.”
Jim Ross: “I thought it served its purpose. It gave the main event some credibility going in. And it showed that both of them were taking it seriously, even if it didn’t stay that way. The crowd was quiet during it, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes you need a calm moment before the storm.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “Fair. It wasn’t the strongest thing on the show, but it did what we needed it to do. Anything else on that one before we move on?”
Sarah Palin: “Just one thing. I think we could’ve leaned into the tension a little more. They were being too polite. If we had made it a little more awkward or passive-aggressive, it might’ve hit harder going into the match.”
Cowboy Watts: “Noted. We’ll keep that in mind for next time. Next segment.”
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Next. That Florence Pugh interview with Wendy Williams — the one where she was eating the brick of cheese backstage. Who had that one?”
Tony Soprano: “That was us. It was fine. It did what it needed to do. Florence came off like a dumbass who has no idea what she’s walking into, which is exactly what we wanted. Wendy played off of it well. It got some laughs.”
Joan Rivers: “It was cute. A little stupid, but in a good way. Florence eating that whole block of cheese like it was nothing was funny. And Wendy calling her out on it was the right move. It made Florence look unprepared and a little slow, which sets her up nicely for whatever we throw at her next week.”
Sarah Palin: “I thought it was harmless. It got a couple chuckles, but it didn’t really do much else. It was mostly just there to kill some time and make Florence look like an idiot. Which is fine, I guess, but it didn’t feel important.”
Bill Parcells: “It was light. Too light, if you ask me. We’ve got a girl who’s supposed to be debuting soon and we’re out here making her look like she doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on. That might bite us later if we’re trying to take her seriously.”
Jim Ross: “I didn’t mind it. It was a nice change of pace after some of the heavier stuff earlier in the show. And it did make Florence look a little lost, which can work if we’re building her as someone who’s in over her head. The cheese bit was funny enough.”
Tony Soprano: “Yeah, but it also made her look soft. If we’re gonna put her in nasty matches down the line, we might not want her coming across like she’s just some ditzy bitch who doesn’t know what she signed up for. That could backfire.”
Joan Rivers: “She is a ditzy bitch though. That’s the point. She’s supposed to look out of place. Let her be the sweet, stupid one for now. We can always turn her mean later if we need to.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “Fair enough. It wasn’t the strongest thing on the show, but it got a reaction and it did what we needed it to do. We’ll keep an eye on how we use her going forward. Next.”
Joan Rivers: “While we’re on that segment, can we talk about Wendy for a second?”
Cowboy Watts: “Go ahead.”
Joan Rivers: “She looked like shit tonight. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with her face lately, but it’s not working. We need to get her more Botox. Like, yesterday. She looked old and tired under those lights. It was distracting.”
Tony Soprano (nodding): “Yeah, she did look rough. Her face was moving weird. We’re paying her to be on camera — she needs to look like she gives a fuck. Get her in with the doctor and get that shit fixed. She can’t be out there looking like that every week.”
Sarah Palin: “I agree. She’s supposed to be the one interviewing these girls and making them look stupid. Hard to do that when she looks worse than half the people she’s talking to.”
Bill Parcells: “Get it handled. We don’t need another liability walking around here looking like a corpse.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “Fine. I’ll talk to her. We’ll get her in for more work. What else?”
Joan Rivers (smirking): “Also, while we’re at it — keep feeding that bitch more cheese. Florence, I mean. If we’re gonna keep doing these stupid little segments with her, we might as well lean into it. Keep stuffing her full of dairy so she can’t shit for a week. It’ll make whatever we throw at her next week even funnier.”
Tony Soprano (laughing): “Yeah, let her show up all backed up and miserable. That’s good TV.”
Jim Ross (shaking his head, but smirking a little): “You people are sick.”
Joan Rivers: “We’re in the right place for it.”
Cowboy Watts: “Alright, enough. We’ll keep an eye on both of them. Next segment.”
He looks over at the group.
Cowboy Watts: “Who had the concession stand brawl? Mila versus Laura. Let’s go over that one.”
Tony Soprano: “It was good. Mila looked like a star out there. She came in, slapped the shit out of Laura right away, and never let up. She dragged her around that stand like she was nothing. That’s the kind of energy we want from her.”
Joan Rivers: “Mila was vicious. I liked it. She didn’t play around. She beat the hell out of her, dumped cheese on her, ripped her pants off, and finished her. It was mean, it was nasty, and it made Laura look like a complete joke. That’s what we needed.”
Sarah Palin: “I thought it was strong. Laura looked lost the entire time. She had no idea what was happening, and Mila made her pay for it. The granny panties spot was brutal. That pretty much ended whatever little bit of credibility she had left.”
Bill Parcells: “It did the job. Mila looked dominant. Laura looked pathetic. That’s the story we wanted to tell. The only thing I’d say is that it might’ve been a little too one-sided. Laura didn’t really get anything in. It was just a straight-up beatdown.”
Tony Soprano: “That’s the point though. Laura’s not supposed to look like she belongs here. She’s supposed to look like she wandered in by accident and got punished for it. Mila made that happen.”
Joan Rivers: “And the granny panties moment was perfect. Once those came out, any chance Laura had of getting sympathy was gone. The crowd turned on her immediately. That’s the kind of heat you can’t buy.”
Jim Ross: “I agree with that. The visual of Laura covered in cheese with her pants around her ankles… that’s gonna stick with people. It was ugly, but it worked. Mila came out of it looking like someone we can do something with.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “Good. That’s what I wanted to hear. Mila needed this. She looked like she belonged out there. Laura, on the other hand… we might need to figure out what the hell we’re doing with her after this. That was rough.”
Sarah Palin: “She looked bad. Real bad. Between the cheese, the oil, and those fucking panties, she’s gonna have a hard time coming back from that. We might have to keep her in these kinds of spots for a while until people forget how pathetic she looked tonight.”
Tony Soprano: “Or we just keep feeding her to people like Mila until she either quits or we find something else for her. Either way, tonight was a good start for Mila. She looked mean. That’s what we need from her.”
Arnold Palmer: “I gotta be honest… I still don’t really get the granny panties spot. I mean, I get that it was embarrassing for her, but why was that such a big deal? Why’d everybody react like that?”
The table goes quiet for a second. Joan Rivers lets out a long sigh and leans forward.
Joan Rivers: “Because it’s Donna, Arnold. From That ‘70s Show. You know, the ugly ginger bitch who spent the whole show acting like she was too good for everybody while fucking over Eric every other episode?”
Arnold Palmer (blinking): “…Who?”
Tony Soprano (already annoyed): “Jesus Christ. Donna. Laura Prepon’s character. The tall one with the red hair. The one who was supposed to be the ‘cool girl’ but was actually just a pain in the ass the entire time.”
Sarah Palin: “Jackie was the hot one. Mila’s character. Everybody wanted to fuck Jackie. She was the cute, popular, rich girl. Donna was the one who acted like she was better than everyone while looking like… well, like she looked tonight.”
Bill Parcells (gruff): “People hated Donna. She treated Eric like shit for years and acted like she was doing him a favor by being with him. So when Mila finally got to beat the shit out of her and rip her pants off on TV, people lost their minds. That’s the spot. That’s why it worked.”
Arnold Palmer (still confused): “So… it’s because she was mean to the guy on the show?”
Joan Rivers (exasperated): “No, Arnold. It’s because she was the ugly one who thought she was hot shit. And now she’s getting exactly what the fans have wanted to see for twenty years — Jackie finally kicking Donna’s ass and humiliating her. It’s cathartic.”
Tony Soprano: “It’s not that complicated. People wanted to see the hot chick destroy the ugly chick who spent years acting like she was the prize. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.”
Jim Ross (trying to keep it moving): “It’s just old TV baggage, Arnold. A lot of the audience grew up watching that show. They’ve been waiting a long time to see Donna get humbled. Tonight gave them that.”
Arnold Palmer (still not fully getting it): “…So the panties were the punchline because she’s ugly?”
Sarah Palin (sighing): “Yes, Arnold. The panties were the punchline because she’s Donna. That’s the joke. That’s why it worked.”
Cowboy Watts (rubbing his face, half-laughing): “Jesus Christ. Can we move on before Arnold asks us to explain the entire series?”
Joan Rivers: “I’m just saying, it landed. People got it. Even if Arnold didn’t.”
Arnold Palmer: “I still don’t get it. I mean… in golf, if you get beat, you get beat. That’s it. You shake hands and move on. Like when Greg Norman blew that lead at the Masters in ‘96. He got embarrassed on the biggest stage, but nobody ripped his pants off and showed his underwear. People just moved on. Why is this any different?”
Joan Rivers (cutting him off immediately): “Arnold. Stop. Just stop talking.”
Tony Soprano (sighing): “Jesus Christ. It’s not golf. It’s not about shaking hands and moving on. It’s about Donna finally getting what’s been coming to her for years.”
Sarah Palin: “There was a whole episode where Donna wore granny panties and everybody found out. It became this big running joke on the show. She was supposed to be this cool, confident girl, but underneath it all she was wearing the ugliest, most unsexy underwear possible. That’s what people remember.”
Bill Parcells: “And tonight Mila finally got to shove it in her face. Literally. She beat her ass, ripped her pants down, and showed the whole world that Donna’s still that same girl from the show — acting like she’s hot shit while wearing the most embarrassing shit possible underneath.”
Arnold Palmer (still trying): “But in the PGA—”
Joan Rivers (snapping): “Arnold, nobody gives a fuck about the PGA right now. This isn’t about golf. This is about twenty years of people wanting to see Jackie destroy Donna. And tonight they finally got it. That’s why the granny panties moment worked. It wasn’t just embarrassing — it was personal.”
Tony Soprano: “It’s like finally getting to see the mean girl from high school get taken down a peg in front of everybody. That’s what it is. And the fact that it was Jackie doing it? That made it even better for the people who grew up watching that show.”
Cowboy Watts (rubbing his temples): “Alright, enough. Arnold, we’re not explaining That ‘70s Show to you for the rest of the night. Just know that the spot worked. People got it. That’s all that matters.”
Arnold Palmer (muttering): “Still don’t see why the underwear had to be part of it…”
Joan Rivers (under her breath): “Because you’re old, Arnold.”
Bill Parcells shifts in his chair, frowning as he tries to process everything.
Bill Parcells: “I still don’t see why this is such a big deal. Back in the league, we had guys get embarrassed on national television all the time. I remember back in ’85 when the Giants played the 49ers and Lawrence Taylor had that guy’s number the whole game. He kept sacking him, talking shit, making him look like a bum in front of everybody. Nobody cared what kind of jockstrap the guy was wearing. They just cared that he got his ass kicked.”
Tony Soprano (cutting in, blunt): “Bill, with all due respect, this ain’t the NFL. This is like if you came to the Bing on a Friday night and Sil had the girls out there in dollar store underwear instead of Victoria’s Secret. You think the guys are gonna be sitting there thinking ‘Eh, it’s fine, she still looks alright’? No. They’re gonna be pissed. They’re gonna feel like they got shortchanged. Same thing with this Donna shit. People don’t wanna see the ugly chick in granny panties. They wanna see the hot one in something nice while she’s kicking her ass.”
Joan Rivers (laughing): “Exactly. It’s not about the football game. It’s about the presentation. Nobody wants to watch the fat girl in the ugly bra get beat up. They wanna watch the hot girl in the good shit do the beating.”
Bill Parcells (still frowning): “So it’s not about her getting beat up… it’s about what she’s wearing while it happens?”
Tony Soprano: “Yeah. That’s exactly what it is. You put the wrong girl in the wrong underwear and suddenly the whole thing feels off. People stop caring about the fight and start caring about how cheap it looks.”
Sarah Palin: “It’s branding. You don’t put your main girl in dollar store shit and expect people to take it seriously. That’s why the granny panties worked. It made Donna look even worse than she already did.”
Cowboy Watts: “Alright, alright. Enough. We’ve been sitting here listening to a bunch of old men argue about football and strip club underwear for the last ten minutes.”
He looks over at Mariska, who’s still standing against the wall with her arms crossed.
Cowboy Watts: “Mariska. You’ve been quiet. I wanna hear from you. What’d you actually think about that spot?”
The room goes quiet as everyone turns to look at her.
Mariska Hargitay (calm, measured): “I thought it was effective. Cruel, but effective. It did exactly what we needed it to do — it completely buried Laura. Once those panties came out, any chance she had of being taken seriously was gone. And it made Mila look vicious. That’s what we wanted.”
She pauses for a second, then continues.
Mariska Hargitay: “But I also think we have to be careful with how far we push this kind of humiliation. It worked tonight because the crowd was already primed for it. They’ve been waiting years to see Donna get taken down. If we try to do something like this with someone the audience actually likes, it’s going to backfire hard.”
Tony Soprano: “So you’re saying it worked because it was Donna?”
Mariska Hargitay: “I’m saying it worked because it was personal. People have history with that character. If it was just some random girl in granny panties, it wouldn’t have hit the same. It would’ve just felt mean for the sake of being mean.”
Joan Rivers: “She’s not wrong. The spot only worked because of who Laura is. If it was anyone else, it probably would’ve died.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding slowly): “Fair. So the spot worked because of the history. Noted.”
He looks around the table one more time.
Cowboy Watts: “Anything else on that brawl before we move on?”
The room stays quiet.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright, enough of the guys talking about this. Sarah, Mariska, Joan — I wanna hear from you three. What do you actually think about the granny panties spot? And be honest. Do you wear that shit? Have you ever worn it? When was the last time?”
The room goes quiet as the three women glance at each other.
Joan Rivers (without hesitation, blunt as ever): “I haven’t worn granny panties since I was in my thirties, and even then I hated them. I’ve spent too much money on my face and my body to walk around in some stretched-out cotton diaper. If I’m wearing underwear at this point in my life, it’s because it makes my ass look decent in whatever I’ve got on. Comfort is one thing, but I’m not out here trying to look like I gave up.”
Sarah Palin (a little more reserved, but direct): “I wear what’s comfortable, especially when I’m running around with the kids or traveling. I’m not out here trying to impress anybody with my underwear. But I will say… I don’t think I’ve worn actual granny panties in a long time. Maybe when I was pregnant? Even then, I tried to find stuff that didn’t make me feel like I was wearing my grandma’s drawers. I’m not saying I’m walking around in thongs every day, but there’s a middle ground.”
Mariska Hargitay (calm, thoughtful): “I wear what’s comfortable, especially with the kind of work I do. Some days I’m on set for fourteen hours, some days I’m running around with the kids. I’m not putting a ton of thought into my underwear most of the time. But no, I don’t wear granny panties. I haven’t in years. Once you hit a certain age, you kind of figure out what works for your body and you stick with it. For me, it’s just basic, comfortable stuff. Nothing fancy, but nothing that makes me feel like I’m wearing a diaper either.”
Cowboy Watts (looking between them): “So none of you wear that shit?”
Joan Rivers (dryly): “Cowboy, I’m seventy-five years old. If I’m putting on underwear that makes my ass look like it’s trying to escape, I’ve already lost the war. I’d rather go commando than wear those things.”
Sarah Palin (half-smiling): “I think most women our age either gave up on trying to be sexy in their underwear a long time ago… or they decided they’re only wearing the good stuff when they actually feel like it. Not every day.”
Mariska Hargitay: “Exactly. It stops being about looking hot for someone else and starts being about what actually feels good on your body. And for most of us, that’s not granny panties.”
Tony Soprano (muttering): “Jesus. Even the women are roasting the granny panties.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding slowly): “Alright. So the spot worked because it made her look bad. Got it.”
He takes a drag off his cigarette and looks around the table again.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Next. The JoJo Siwa video. Who had that one?”
Jim Ross: “That was me and Sarah. It was pretty straightforward. Just a pre-taped update letting people know she’s still dealing with some personal stuff and isn’t ready to come back yet.”
Sarah Palin: “I thought it was fine. It did what it needed to do. She came across as sincere, a little sad, but still hopeful. It keeps her name out there without forcing her to do a live segment while she’s still recovering. The crowd reacted okay — some people clapped, some people didn’t really care. That’s about what we expected.”
Tony Soprano: “It was soft. I’m not saying it was bad, but it felt like one of those segments that’s just there to fill time. She’s been out for a while now. At some point we’re gonna have to decide if we’re actually bringing her back or if we’re just gonna keep doing these little ‘she’s still healing’ videos every couple of weeks.”
Joan Rivers: “I agree. It was fine for what it was, but it didn’t really move anything forward. Either we start building toward her return, or we stop pretending like she’s coming back anytime soon. Right now it just feels like we’re stalling.”
Bill Parcells: “It was harmless. The crowd didn’t turn on it, which is good. But it also didn’t get much of a reaction either way. If we’re gonna keep doing these updates, we need to make sure they actually mean something. Otherwise people are just gonna start tuning them out.”
Jim Ross: “I thought it was handled well. She didn’t overdo it. She kept it short and honest. Sometimes that’s all you need. Not every update has to be some big dramatic thing.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “Fair. It did the job. We’ll keep an eye on how long we keep doing these before we either bring her back or move on. Next.”
He looks over at the group.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Next. The referee lottery — the one with Larry David, Jack Black, Sarah Silverman, and Urkel. Who had that?”
Jim Ross: “That was me and Sarah. It was a quick, light segment. Larry made it clear he wasn’t reffing the main event again after the bathroom match, so they did rock-paper-scissors to decide who got stuck with it. Urkel lost.”
Sarah Palin: “It was fine. It got a couple laughs. Urkel panicking about reffing the main event without his glasses was funny. It was a nice, easy way to set up who was officiating without making it too serious.”
Tony Soprano: “It was cute. A little too cute for my taste, but it worked. Urkel freaking out was the best part. The rest of it was just filler to kill a couple minutes.”
Joan Rivers: “It was harmless. It got some laughs, especially from Urkel. But it also felt like one of those segments we throw in when we don’t have anything better to do. It served its purpose, but I don’t think anyone’s gonna remember it tomorrow.”
Bill Parcells: “It was fine. Quick, got the job done, and gave Urkel something to do. I don’t have any major issues with it. Sometimes you need these little transition segments.”
Jim Ross: “I thought it was handled well. It was short, it got a reaction, and it set up Urkel as the referee for the main event without making a big deal out of it. That’s all it needed to be.”
Cowboy Watts looks around the table after they finish talking about the referee lottery.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Main event. We already went over the finish and Emma going into business for herself, but let’s talk about the match itself. Before all the bullshit at the end, how did the actual wrestling portion play out?”
Jim Ross: “It started off pretty even. Both of them were being careful around the ice at first. It was stiff, which was expected since neither of them are trained, but it wasn’t completely terrible. They were trying to work around the ice instead of just throwing each other on it every two minutes.”
Tony Soprano: “It was slow. They were both being too careful. I get that the ice was there and they didn’t want to eat shit on it, but it made the first half of the match feel like they were just circling each other. It didn’t really pick up until they started getting tired and desperate.”
Joan Rivers: “I thought it was fine for what it was. Two untrained women trying to have a match on a hard surface with ice in the middle. It wasn’t pretty, but it told the story that they didn’t really know what they were doing. That part worked.”
Sarah Palin: “The crowd was quiet for most of it. They didn’t really start reacting until things got stiffer and more desperate. Once they started using the ice against each other, people finally started paying attention.”
Bill Parcells: “It was gritty, I’ll give it that. They were both hitting hard because they don’t know how to work. That part felt real. But it also looked sloppy as hell. There were times where it felt like they were just trying not to hurt each other too bad instead of actually putting on a match.”
Jim Ross: “The story they were telling was that even with a ring, it probably would’ve looked similar because neither of them are workers. They were trying to stay clean and avoid the ice for as long as they could, but eventually they got tired and started using it. That part came across.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding): “So the match itself was functional, but it took too long to get going. The crowd didn’t really care until it got nasty.”
Tony Soprano: “Pretty much. Once they started putting each other on the ice, people finally woke up. Before that, it was just two women who didn’t know what they were doing trying to wrestle.”
Joan Rivers: “And then it all went to shit at the end anyway.”
Cowboy Watts (sighing): “Yeah. We’ll talk more about that later. Anything else on the actual match before we wrap this up?”
The room stays quiet for a moment.
Bill Parcells: “Just one thing. If we’re gonna do matches without a ring again, we need to make sure the action doesn’t drag. That ice spot helped, but it took too long to get there. People were sitting on their hands for a while.”
Cowboy Watts: “Noted. Alright. I think that’s everything. Meeting’s over. Get some rest. We’ll deal with the Emma situation tomorrow.”
Everyone starts getting up from the table. Cowboy stays seated for a moment, rubbing his face as the others file out.
Jim Ross (staying behind): “You good?”
Cowboy Watts: “Yeah. Just tired of cleaning up messes that shouldn’t have happened in the first place.”
Cowboy Watts leans forward, resting his arms on the table. The room has gone quiet after they finish talking about the match itself.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. Let’s talk about the finish. And what happened after the finish.”
He looks around at everyone.
Cowboy Watts: “Emma won the match clean. That part was fine. But then she decided to keep going. She grabbed a mic, cut on Hilary, Hilary spat in her face, and then Emma decided to put her through the ice again with that crab hold. That wasn’t the finish we called. That was her going into business for herself.”
He pauses for a second, then continues.
Cowboy Watts: “Now here’s what I’m thinking… maybe there’s something here. Maybe we shouldn’t just bury her for this. Maybe we lean into it. Emma snapping. Emma deciding she’s done playing nice. We could build something off of that.”
Jim Ross (calm, but cautious): “You think she did it on purpose? Like she planned to go into business for herself?”
Cowboy Watts: “I don’t know. That’s what I’m asking. Did she and Hilary have heat? Because from what I saw earlier in the night, they seemed fine. They had that backstage segment where they were talking about wanting to have a real match. It didn’t look like there was bad blood. So what the fuck happened out there?”
Tony Soprano: “I don’t think they had heat before the match. They seemed cool. Emma was being polite, Hilary was being a little cold but not hostile. It looked like they were both trying to work together. Then Emma won and just… flipped.”
Joan Rivers: “Maybe she just got caught up in the moment. Or maybe she’s been sitting on some shit and finally let it out. Either way, once Hilary spat in her face, Emma decided she was done playing nice. That part didn’t feel planned. It felt like she snapped.”
Sarah Palin: “I don’t think they had real heat. At least not that I saw. They were professional with each other earlier. But Emma’s been walking around here with an attitude for weeks. Maybe tonight was just the night she decided to stop holding it in.”
Bill Parcells: “Could be. Or maybe she just wanted to make a statement. She won the match, but she didn’t feel like that was enough. So she decided to make sure everybody remembered her name when they left the building.”
Cowboy Watts (nodding slowly): “So you’re saying it wasn’t planned heat between them… it was just Emma deciding she was done playing by the rules.”
Jim Ross: “That’s what it looked like to me. They were working together fine until the very end. Then Emma took it somewhere else. Whether that was planned or she just lost it in the moment, I don’t know. But it didn’t feel like they had bad blood going in.”
Tony Soprano: “Either way, it happened. And now we’ve got two choices. We can punish her for it and try to clean it up… or we can lean into it like you said. Make Emma the girl who snapped. The one who decided she’s not playing nice anymore.”
Cowboy Watts (quiet for a moment, then speaks): “I’m leaning toward the second option. We’ve been trying to make Emma this strong, technical babyface and it’s been… fine. But tonight she showed something else. Something meaner. Maybe that’s what we should be using instead.”
He looks around the table.
Cowboy Watts: “Anybody got a problem with that?”
The room stays quiet for a few seconds.
Joan Rivers: “I don’t have a problem with leaning into it. But if we do, we need to make sure it doesn’t look like we lost control. Because right now it looks like we did.”
Cowboy Watts: “Noted. We’ll figure out how to play it. But I’m not ready to just bury her for this. Not yet.”
He takes a drag off his cigarette and exhales.
Cowboy Watts: “Alright. I think that’s enough for tonight. We’ll figure the Emma situation out tomorrow. Get some rest. Meeting’s over.”
Everyone starts gathering their things and filing out of the room. Tony, Joan, Sarah, Bill, and Arnold all head out without much more conversation. Mariska gives Cowboy a small nod before leaving as well.
Once the door closes and it’s just the two of them left, Cowboy stays seated. He lights another cigarette and takes a slow drag before looking over at Jim Ross, who’s still sitting beside him.
Cowboy Watts: “JR… stick around a minute.”
Jim Ross settles back into his chair without a word, waiting.
Cowboy Watts (quiet for a second, then speaks): “I want your real thoughts. No bullshit. No trying to make me feel better about it. Just tell me what you actually think about what happened out there tonight with Emma.”
Jim Ross takes a moment before answering, choosing his words carefully but not holding back.
Jim Ross: “I think she lost control. And I think we let her. She won the match clean, and instead of walking away, she decided to turn it into something personal. Whether that was planned or she just snapped in the moment, I don’t know. But either way, it wasn’t the finish we called, and it made us look like we don’t have control over our own show.”
He pauses, then continues.
Jim Ross: “I also think part of it is on us. We’ve been trying to push Emma as this strong, technical babyface, but we never really gave her anything to sink her teeth into. So when she finally decided to do something on her own, she went too far because she didn’t know where the line was. That’s on us as much as it is on her.”
Cowboy nods slowly, listening.
Jim Ross: “As for leaning into it… I don’t hate the idea. But if we do, we need to be smart about it. Right now it just looks like we lost control of the finish. If we want to turn this into something, we need to make it look intentional. Otherwise, it’s just going to come off like we can’t keep our talent in line.”
He looks directly at Cowboy.
Jim Ross: “And I’ll be honest — I don’t think Emma and Hilary had any real heat going into that match. From everything I saw, they were professional with each other. So whatever happened out there tonight, it wasn’t because of some long-standing grudge. It was Emma deciding she was done playing by the rules. That’s the story we have to work with now.”
Cowboy takes another drag off his cigarette and exhales slowly.
Cowboy Watts: “…You think we can still use her?”
Jim Ross: “I think we can. But we have to be careful. If we lean into her snapping, we need to make sure it doesn’t make us look weak. Because right now, that’s how it looks.”
Cowboy Watts: “What about the rest of the show? Be honest with me. What did you think was the best thing we did tonight, and what was the worst?”
Jim Ross leans back in his chair and thinks for a second before answering.
Jim Ross: “Best thing on the show? Probably the concession stand brawl. Mila looked like a star out there. She was mean, she was aggressive, and she made Laura look like she had no business being in the same building as her. That segment had a clear story and it delivered. Everything else felt like it was either just okay or actively working against us.”
Cowboy Watts: “And the worst?”
Jim Ross: “The main event, obviously. Not because of the wrestling itself — that was stiff and ugly, but it had a story. The problem was the finish. Once Emma decided to go into business for herself, we lost control of the narrative. That’s what people are gonna remember. Not the match itself, but how it ended.”
Cowboy nods slowly, exhaling smoke.
Cowboy Watts: “Yeah. That’s what I figured you’d say.”
He taps the ash off his cigarette into an ashtray and leans back.
Cowboy Watts: “I’m disappointed with the house tonight. Five thousand people in a building that holds twelve? That’s embarrassing. We’ve been running this place for a while now and we’re still not drawing like we should be. I know we’re not exactly a normal wrestling company, but goddamn… it still stings.”
Jim Ross: “It’s been rough. We’ve had some good nights, but the consistency just isn’t there yet. And after what happened in the main event tonight, I’m not exactly looking forward to hearing what the office has to say about it.”
Cowboy Watts (chuckling dryly): “You and me both. Mr. Nasty’s probably already got his notes ready. I can already hear it — ‘Why the fuck did we let Emma go off script?’ Like we had any control over it once she decided she was done playing ball.”
Jim Ross: “Doesn’t matter if we had control or not. At the end of the day, it happened on our watch. They’re gonna want answers.”
Cowboy takes another drag and stares at the table for a few seconds before speaking again.
Cowboy Watts: “Yeah. Well… we’ll deal with it tomorrow. For now, I just wanna get the hell out of this building.”
He puts out his cigarette and stands up.
Cowboy Watts: “Thanks for sticking around, JR. Go get some rest. We’ll pick this shit back up in the morning.”
Jim Ross (standing up as well): “You too.”
Cowboy Watts puts out his cigarette and stands up, stretching his back with a quiet grunt.
Cowboy Watts: “Appreciate you sticking around, JR. I needed to hear it straight.”
Jim Ross (standing up as well): “Anytime. You know I’m not gonna sugarcoat it.”
Cowboy nods, then glances toward the door where the rest of the agents had left earlier.
Cowboy Watts: “We’ve got a lot to clean up from tonight. The main event’s gonna be a headache with the office, and the house was disappointing as hell. We’re gonna have to answer for both.”
Jim Ross: “Yeah. Between the finish and the low turnout, it’s not a good look. They’re not gonna be happy.”
Cowboy rubs the back of his neck and lets out a tired sigh.
Cowboy Watts: “We’ll deal with it. One thing at a time. For now, go get some rest. We’ll pick it back up tomorrow.”
Jim Ross: “Sounds good. You should do the same.”
Cowboy gives a short nod. Jim Ross heads for the door, leaving Cowboy alone in the quiet office for a moment before he eventually follows.
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