Scene: CBWL Booking Room – The Next Day
The full group is back in the room. Cowboy Watts, Jim Ross, and the four agents (Tony Soprano, Sarah Palin, Joan Rivers, and Bill Parcells) are sitting around the table with the finalized 8-segment layout printed out in front of them. The show airs tomorrow.
Cowboy lights a cigarette and looks around.
Cowboy Watts: Alright. Show’s tomorrow. Let’s go over it one last time and make sure we’re all on the same page. Any last changes, speak now.
He taps the paper.
Segment 1 – Taylor Swift Opens the Show
Jim Ross: Taylor knows what she’s doing with the outfit and the ass-shaking. She’s been told to play it sweet but cheeky and mouth that line to the camera. Should get a reaction.
Tony Soprano: It’s gonna be trashy as hell. Which is what we want.
Segment 2 – Kristen Bell Interrupts
Joan Rivers: Kristen’s gonna go hard with the “Sterling needs to die / The Bad Place” stuff. That’s gonna get her real heat. Good.
Bill Parcells: They just brawl off, no winner. Keeps it hot for next week without blowing their load.
Segment 3 – Mariska Makes It Official
Cowboy Watts: (grinning slightly) Mariska’s getting oiled up and sprayed down so she looks sweaty. Cameras are gonna be all over those tits. I want that shot to be nasty.
Sarah Palin: It’s shameless, but it’ll work. The crowd’s either gonna love it or lose their minds.
Segment 4 – Emma Watson & Hilary Duff Segment
Jim Ross: They’re gonna shoot off their real personalities. Should feel natural. This is a good way to start building Emma while slowly turning Hilary.
Tony Soprano: It’s in a weird spot in the show, but it should help keep people watching until the main event.
Segment 5 – Mila Kunis Debut Angle
Joan Rivers: This one’s nasty. The granny panties spot after the beatdown is mean as hell. And the commentators calling Donna ugly and flat while Mila’s humiliating her? That’s gonna make people hate Mila.
Tony Soprano: She’s gonna come off like a real mean cunt after this. Which is what we want.
Segment 6 – Florence Pugh Debut Promo + Cheese Bit
Bill Parcells: Her promo is sweet. Then we got her eating a brick of cheese and playing dumb when they ask how she’s gonna shit it out. That’s stupid in the right way.
Sarah Palin: It makes her come off a little ditzy but still likeable. Good contrast before she gets jumped later.
Segment 7 – JoJo Siwa Video
Jim Ross: This one’s a tease of a tease. We’re not outright saying “boob job,” but we’re heavily implying her problems would be fixed if her tits were bigger. It’s cold.
Joan Rivers: Jaded fans are gonna clown on it. Some people might actually feel bad for her. Either way, it gets talked about.
Segment 8 – Main Event: Emma Watson vs Hilary Duff
Cowboy Watts: They’re gonna try to have a real technical match, but it’s probably gonna be stiff and awkward as hell. That’s fine. The point is to show we’re at least attempting to have wrestling sometimes.
Jim Ross: Emma goes over clean and they hug afterward. Keeps it respectful. Then they close the show plugging Taylor vs Kristen for next week. Solid.
After they finish going through everything, Cowboy leans back in his chair and exhales smoke.
Cowboy Watts: Alright. This show is mean, horny, nasty, and kinda stupid in places. Which, again, is pretty much what this company is right now.
He looks around the table.
Cowboy Watts: Anybody got any last-minute changes, or are we good to go?
The room stays quiet for a few seconds.
Tony Soprano: I’m good with it.
Joan Rivers: It’s trashy. It’ll work.
Jim Ross: It’s not perfect, but it’s on brand.
Cowboy Watts looks over at Jim Ross after you bring up the commentary team.
Cowboy Watts: JR, we still only got Freddie Benson and Sofia Vergara on commentary, right? We never actually hired that third person — the bitchy one.
Jim Ross: That’s right. We got the innocent kid doing play-by-play and Sofia doing the horny/sweet role, but we never filled the color commentator spot. The mean, bullying one.
Cowboy looks around the table at the agents.
Cowboy Watts: Alright then. Let’s figure this out. Who on this roster or in this building would actually be good as the bitchy, shit-talking color commentator? Someone who can be mean as hell on the mic and not hold back.
They start throwing out names.
Tony Soprano: Courtney Love could work. She’s already unhinged and doesn’t give a fuck. She’d probably say some wild shit on commentary and not care who she pisses off.
Joan Rivers: Courtney’s too unpredictable though. She might start fighting with the other commentators or go completely off-script. She’s more of a wildcard than a reliable heel voice.
Sarah Palin: What about Jenna Ortega? She’s got that quiet, mean energy. She could be really cutting without even raising her voice. Plus she’s young and already has some heat.
Bill Parcells: Kristen Bell would be good at it too. She’s already one of our top heels. She knows how to be vicious on the mic. The only issue is she’s already got a lot on her plate with her in-ring stuff.
Jim Ross: Anya Taylor-Joy could be interesting. She’s got that weird, unsettling vibe. She could say some really creepy or mean shit in that soft voice of hers and it would land.
Joan Rivers: I like Courtney Love the most out of the names so far, but I also wouldn’t sleep on Nicki Minaj if we wanted someone flashy and loud. She’d be great at talking shit and stirring drama.
Cowboy takes a drag off his cigarette and looks around.
Cowboy Watts: So we got a few options on the table — Courtney Love, Jenna Ortega, Kristen Bell, Anya Taylor-Joy, Nicki Minaj. All of them could probably do the job.
After a few names get thrown around, Jim Ross speaks up.
Jim Ross: Hold on. Before we go any further — it can’t be any of our existing talent. We can’t pull someone who’s already on the roster and wrestling. We need a new hire. A celebrity who’s not already signed as talent. Someone whose only job is commentary.
Cowboy Watts: (nodding) Yeah, that makes sense. We don’t wanna weaken the in-ring product by taking someone off TV to sit at the desk.
Tony Soprano: Fair. So no Jenna, no Courtney, no Kristen, none of them.
The room goes quiet for a second as they think.
Sarah Palin: If we’re looking outside the roster… what about Wendy Williams? We’re already bringing her in as the backstage interviewer. Maybe we could have her do both?
Joan Rivers: Wendy’s got the mouth for it, that’s for sure. But she might be too much of a wildcard. Plus she’s already gonna be doing backstage stuff.
Bill Parcells: What about someone like Rosie O’Donnell? She’s loud, she’s opinionated, and she’s not afraid to talk shit. She’d fit the bitchy color role pretty well.
Tony Soprano: Or Whoopi Goldberg. She’s been around forever, she’s got that no-bullshit attitude. She could probably keep up with the chaos.
Jim Ross: What about Joy Behar? She’s been on The View forever. She knows how to argue and talk over people. That could translate well to commentary.
Arnold Palmer: (on the phone) What about Lisa Rinna? She’s catty as hell and loves drama. She’d be great at stirring shit and talking trash about the girls.
Cowboy takes a drag off his cigarette and looks over at you.
Cowboy Watts: So now we’re looking at outside names. Wendy Williams, Rosie O’Donnell, Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, Lisa Rinna… a few others probably.
Cowboy Watts hangs up the phone after talking with a few people.
Cowboy Watts: Alright. Let’s try Rosie O’Donnell. She’s loud, she’s got an opinion on everything, and she’s not afraid to talk shit. Tony — you and Butterbean go handle it. Go interview her and see if she’s a fit.
Tony Soprano: (nodding) Got it.
He stands up, jerks his head at Butterbean, and they leave the room.
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