Bojangles Coliseum – Charlotte, North Carolina
Friday Night – Go-Home Show Live on CBWL
Segment 1 – Mariska Hargitay Opening Promo
The arena lights go black. A single spotlight hits the empty plywood in the center of the floor as Mariska Hargitay’s music hits. She walks out in a sleek purple strapless dress and makes her way down to the plywood. The crowd gives her a solid reaction as she steps up and looks around.
Freddie Benson: “Welcome back to CBWL, everybody! We are live from the Bojangles Coliseum here in Charlotte, North Carolina, and it looks like we’re starting things off without a ring once again. Mariska Hargitay is making her way out right now.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, no ring. Again. At this point they should just stop lying to these people and admit they don’t have one. Just throw some plywood on the floor and call it a wrestling show. Real professional.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, slurred, heavy accent) “But Mariska… she look very serious tonight. I don’t know what she gonna say, but she don’t look happy. Something feel… different.”
Mariska lifts the microphone as the lights stay low.
Mariska Hargitay: “Charlotte… thank you for being here tonight. I know a lot of you are frustrated. And I get it. For the second week in a row… we don’t have a ring. Last week we had some issues. This week… more issues. And I know that’s not what you paid to see.”
Freddie Benson: “Mariska’s addressing the obvious right away. The fans have been very vocal about not having a ring for the second week in a row.”
Chelsea Handler: “She better be. These people paid money to watch wrestling, not whatever this is. This is getting ridiculous.”
Mariska Hargitay: “But I want to talk about something more important than just a ring tonight. I want to talk about hardworking men. Men who show up every day, do their jobs, and try to provide for the people who depend on them. Men who get knocked down, get told they’re not good enough, and still keep trying anyway.”
Freddie Benson: “Mariska’s shifting the focus here. This feels like it’s leading somewhere.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “I like when she talk like this… it feel important. Like something big is coming.”
Mariska Hargitay: “One of those men… is Sterling Marlin. A lot of you have been asking about him. A lot of you have been wondering where he is and what’s going on. And I want you all to know something — Sterling is still very much a part of this company. He’s still very much a part of what we’re trying to build here.”
Freddie Benson: “There it is. Mariska’s finally addressing Sterling Marlin. The fans have been wondering what’s been going on with him.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and she’s being real careful with how she’s saying it. She’s not giving too much away.”
Mariska Hargitay: “The reason Sterling isn’t out here with us tonight… is because he’s still recovering from what happened to him. Some of you may have heard rumors. Some of you may have seen the reports. But the truth is, Sterling was involved in a very serious situation. He was hurt badly — badly enough that he’s still under medical care. He’s been through surgeries, he’s dealing with significant injuries, and right now, his body simply isn’t in any condition to be here, let alone doing the job he’s always done for this company.”
Freddie Benson: “Wow… so Mariska’s confirming that Sterling is still dealing with some pretty serious injuries. That explains why we haven’t seen him.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, drawn out) “Ay… that sound really bad. Poor guy. I hope he okay…”
Mariska Hargitay: “Sterling wants to be here. He’s told people that. He wants to be out there doing what he’s always done — driving that truck, making sure this show runs the way it’s supposed to. But sometimes, no matter how much heart a man has, his body just won’t let him do the job. And that’s where we are right now.”
Chelsea Handler: “She’s making it pretty clear that Sterling’s in rough shape right now. But she’s also making sure people know he still wants to be here.”
Mariska Hargitay: “In honor of Sterling… and everything he’s been through… I want to let you know that at Sunday’s PPV, there will be a major announcement regarding the future of CBWL. An announcement that I believe will directly involve where we go from here… and what role Sterling will play moving forward. We’re not forgetting about the people who helped build this place. And we’re not going to let them be forgotten. Now let’s have a show.”
Mariska drops the mic and walks off as her music hits.
Freddie Benson: “Strong way to open the show from Mariska. She addressed the no-ring situation, gave us an update on Sterling Marlin, and teased that there’s going to be a big announcement at the PPV on Sunday.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she did her job. Now let’s see if the rest of this show can actually deliver or if it’s gonna fall apart like usual.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “I just hope Sterling is okay… he always seemed like one of the good ones.”
End of Commentary – Segment 1
Segment 2 – Wendy Interviews Pam Beesly
The show cuts backstage to the interview area. Wendy Williams is standing there in a loud, colorful outfit, holding a microphone. She looks a little lost for a second before turning to the camera with a big, confused smile.
Wendy Williams: “Okay… we’re live? We’re live? Alright. I’m here with… uh… Pam. Pam from… the office? The TV show? Yeah. Pam Beesly. Girl, what are you doing here? You were on that show with the paper company, right? With Jim? And now you’re… wrestling? What’s going on with you?”
Freddie Benson: (nervous, trying to sound professional) “Uh… w-we’re backstage now with Wendy Williams, who is standing by with Pam Beesly. Pam is making her CBWL debut tonight, and uh… well, this should be interesting.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, bitchy) “Yeah, this is gonna be great. Pam looks like she’s about two seconds away from crying already. Real tough competitor we got here.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “Pam look so scared… like a little baby. I don’t know if she ready to fight anybody. She look like she belong behind a desk, not on the plywood.”
Pam Beesly: “Yeah, that’s me. I was on The Office. And… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to do something different. I’ve spent a lot of years being the nice, quiet girl. I figured it was time to try something else. Something where I could actually stand up for myself.”
Freddie Benson: (awkward, trying to recover) “W-well, Pam’s being very honest there. She’s admitting that she’s been underestimated for a long time and she’s looking to prove herself here in CBWL.”
Chelsea Handler: (mocking, quick) “Yeah, and she’s doing a real convincing job so far. Nothing says ‘I’m tough’ like standing there looking like you’re about to ask if we want cream and sugar in our coffee.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “She talk like she trying to convince herself… not us. She still look soft. I don’t believe her yet.”
Wendy Williams: “Stand up for yourself? Okay… okay. So you’re here to fight? Like… actually fight girls? That’s what you’re saying? Because I gotta be honest, Pam, you don’t really look like the fighting type. You look like you should be answering phones or something. You know what I mean?”
Freddie Benson: (flustered) “Wendy’s… uh… being very direct with Pam here. She’s not really holding back on how she feels.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy, laughing) “Wendy’s not wrong though. Look at her. She looks like she should be bringing someone their lunch, not fighting on plywood. This is actually sad.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Wendy just say what everybody thinking… Pam no look like she can fight. She look like she gonna cry.”
Pam Beesly: “I get that a lot. People think I’m soft. But I’m not. I’ve been underestimated my whole life. And if coming here and doing this is what it takes to prove something, then that’s what I’m gonna do.”
Freddie Benson: (trying to sound positive) “Pam’s pushing back a little bit. She’s trying to show some confidence here.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick roast) “Yeah, she’s talking a big game for someone who still looks like she’s waiting for her shift at the front desk to end. This is painful.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, horny-dumb) “Pam trying to sound tough… but she still look like she want someone to take care of her. It’s kinda cute… in a weak way.”
Wendy Williams: “Wait… did you say you were gonna beat people up? Or was that me? I can’t remember. Either way, you’re about to go out there in a minute. You ready for that? You look nervous. Are you nervous? You should be nervous. These girls are crazy.”
Freddie Benson: (clearly struggling) “Wendy’s… uh… kind of all over the place right now. She went from asking questions to just kind of saying whatever’s on her mind.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy, laughing) “Yeah, Wendy’s lost. She’s not even listening anymore. She’s just talking to hear herself talk. This is actually embarrassing to watch.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Wendy no paying attention… she just talking. Poor Pam. She no getting any help.”
Pam Beesly: “I’m not nervous. I’m ready. Whoever’s out there… I’m not backing down.”
Wendy Williams: “Okay… okay. Well… good luck, I guess. Or… break a leg? Is that what you say in wrestling? I don’t know. Just don’t die out there.”
Pam gives Wendy a polite nod and walks off toward the curtain as Wendy watches her go, still looking slightly confused.
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Well… Pam Beesly is about to head out to the plywood for her match. We’ll see if she can back up what she was saying.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, mean) “Yeah, good luck with that. She looked real convincing. I’m sure she’s gonna do great out there… said no one ever.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Pam still look nervous… even after all that. I don’t think she ready. She gonna get hurt.”
End of Commentary – Segment 2
Segment 3 – Mila Kunis Attacks Pam Beesly
We come back from commercial with Pam still standing alone on the plywood, looking around confused.
Freddie Benson: “Welcome back! Pam’s been out here for almost a minute now with no opponent in sight. This is getting awkward fast.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this is embarrassing. She’s just standing there like she got stood up on a date. Where the hell is her opponent?”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Pam look so lost… I don’t think anybody coming. This is sad.”
Suddenly, Mila Kunis rushes out from the crowd and tackles Pam to the plywood.
Freddie Benson: (surprised) “Whoa! Mila Kunis just came out of nowhere! She just tackled Pam right there on the plywood!”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, mean) “Yeah, no shit she came out of nowhere. That’s the whole point. Pam was just standing there like an idiot and Mila took advantage.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, excited) “¡Ay! Mila just jump her! She not wasting any time!”
Mila stays on top of Pam, throwing stiff punches and elbows as Pam tries to cover up.
Freddie Benson: “Mila is just unloading on Pam right now. She’s not giving her any room to breathe.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and Pam’s already in trouble. She’s getting beat up and the match hasn’t even officially started yet.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Mila being so rough… Pam can’t even get up. This look bad already.”
Mila drags Pam up and slams her back down onto the plywood, then follows up with more strikes.
Freddie Benson: “Mila’s being very aggressive here. She’s not showing Pam any mercy at all.”
Chelsea Handler: “Of course she’s not. Why would she? Pam’s already getting her ass kicked. Mila’s just doing what she came out here to do.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Mila no playing… she just keep hitting her. Pam getting beat up bad.”
Mila grabs Pam by the hair and slams her face into the plywood a couple of times before standing over her.
Freddie Benson: “Mila’s completely dominating Pam right now. This has turned into a straight-up assault.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and you sound shocked again. What did you expect was gonna happen? Pam was standing out there like a lost puppy.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, horny) “Mila look so mean right now… I kinda like it. She not holding back.”
Mila walks over to the timekeeper’s area, grabs a microphone, then turns back and grabs Pam by the hair, forcing her to look up at her.
Mila Kunis: “Look at me.”
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Uh… Mila’s got the microphone now. This doesn’t look good for Pam.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy) “Yeah, no shit. She’s about to talk shit while Pam’s laid out. This is gonna be ugly.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Mila gonna say something mean… I can feel it.”
Mila Kunis: “I fucked Jim.”
The crowd reacts loudly.
Freddie Benson: (flustered) “W-well… Mila’s certainly not holding anything back here. She’s making this very personal.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, laughing) “Yeah, no shit she’s not holding back. She’s out here humiliating Pam while she’s down. This is brutal.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “¡Ay! Mila just say it like that… she no playing. Poor Pam.”
Mila continues her promo while still holding Pam by the hair.
Mila Kunis: “Yeah. That’s right. While you were still walking around Dunder Mifflin like some sad little receptionist, pretending you were better than everyone else… I was fucking your man. And you know what? He liked it.”
Freddie Benson: (nervous) “Mila is really laying into Pam here. Both physically and with her words.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy) “Yeah, and you sound like you’re about to pass out. Relax, Freddie. It’s just words… and a beatdown.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Mila being so cold… she really going in on Pam. This getting nasty.”
Mila keeps talking, twisting The Office storylines and blaming herself for some of the drama between Pam and Jim, before finishing with:
Mila Kunis: “So yeah… I fucked Jim. And the best part? He liked it. A lot more than he ever liked being stuck with you.”
She lets go of Pam’s hair and lets her drop back down onto the plywood. She takes a step back, measures her up, and then drills her with a brutal superkick right to the jaw. Pam goes completely limp.
Mila drops down and hooks the leg for the pin.
1… 2… 3.
The referee calls for the bell as Mila’s music hits. She slowly stands up and looks down at Pam for a few seconds before walking off.
Freddie Benson: (flustered) “Mila Kunis has just completely dominated Pam Beesly here tonight. That superkick at the end was nasty.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, mean) “Yeah, no shit it was nasty. You looked like you were gonna cry watching it. Grow up, Freddie.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Mila no playing around… she just destroy Pam. I don’t think Pam coming back from that.”
End of Commentary – Segment 3
Segment 4 – Kristen Bell vs Boxxy
Kristen Bell’s music hits and she makes her normal entrance, walking out with a confident smile as she heads down to the plywood in the center of the arena.
Freddie Benson: “Up next, we’ve got Kristen Bell taking on Boxxy. Kristen’s been looking pretty impressive so far in CBWL, and she’s got another opportunity here tonight to keep that momentum going.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and Boxxy’s coming out with Anya. Let’s see if Anya actually does anything tonight or if she’s just gonna stand there looking bored like usual.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Boxxy look nervous… she keep looking at Anya like she want help already. Anya don’t even care. She look like she don’t wanna be here.”
Boxxy and Anya make their way down to the plywood. Boxxy steps on while Anya stands near the edge with her arms crossed, looking completely uninterested.
The two women square up and lock up. They push each other around for a few seconds before breaking. They lock up again, but this time Kristen stops and turns to the referee.
Freddie Benson: “Kristen’s calling for a microphone here. Not sure what she’s got to say, but she’s stalling the match before it even really gets going.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this is smart. Why fight when you can just talk shit instead? Let’s see what she’s got to say.”
Kristen takes the mic and walks around the plywood slowly while the crowd starts booing.
Kristen Bell: “Seriously?”
She looks at Boxxy, then back at the crowd.
Kristen Bell: “Look at her. She’s untrained. You can tell. She has no idea what she’s doing out here. This is embarrassing.”
Freddie Benson: “Kristen’s not holding back. She’s calling out Boxxy for being untrained right to her face.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and she’s not wrong. Boxxy looks lost already and the match hasn’t even started. This is gonna be ugly.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Kristen being so mean… she just say Boxxy look bad. Boxxy no look happy about that.”
Kristen drops the mic and the match finally starts. It’s immediately rough and ugly. Both women are untrained, and it shows as they trade wild strikes and scramble around the plywood. Splinters fly every time they hit the ground.
Freddie Benson: “This match is already getting rough. Both of these women are clearly inexperienced, and you can see it in the way they’re fighting.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this is sloppy as hell. They’re just swinging and grabbing whatever they can. This is gonna be a mess.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “They hitting so hard… it look like it hurt. They both getting beat up already.”
As the match goes on, Kristen starts to pull ahead. She’s moving with better timing and control, while Boxxy is struggling to keep up. Boxxy gets Kristen in a messy headlock on the ground and starts yelling toward the edge of the plywood.
Boxxy: “Anya! Help me! Anya, come on!”
Anya doesn’t move. She just stands there looking away.
Freddie Benson: “Boxxy’s calling for help from Anya, but Anya’s not doing anything. She’s just standing there.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and you can hear the crowd starting to turn on her. They’re not happy that she’s just watching her friend get beat up.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow) “Anya no helping… everybody see it. Even the ref look confused why she just standing there.”
Referee Urkel starts yelling at Anya to either get involved or move away from the plywood. The crowd is booing her loudly now. Anya looks overwhelmed and starts backing up, eventually trying to slink away through the crowd as the boos follow her.
Freddie Benson: “Anya’s had enough. She’s walking away while the crowd lets her have it.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and nobody’s surprised. She’s been useless this whole time. Boxxy’s out here fighting alone.”
With Anya gone, Boxxy is left completely on her own. Kristen takes full advantage and starts stretching her out with some nasty holds on the plywood. Boxxy is clearly fading, but she finds one last burst of energy and reverses the hold, cranking hard on Kristen’s arm in a desperation spot.
Freddie Benson: “Boxxy’s got Kristen in trouble here! She might actually tap!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this came out of nowhere. Kristen might be in real trouble.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, excited) “Boxxy fighting back! She got her in trouble now!”
But just as it looks like Kristen might tap, she manages to roll through at the last second. She grabs Boxxy’s leg in a messy scramble and stacks her up for a pin.
1… 2… 3.
The referee calls for the bell. Kristen Bell wins in a fluke finish after Boxxy’s late rally.
Freddie Benson: “Kristen Bell picks up the win! Boxxy had her in trouble there for a second, but Kristen was able to reverse it and get the pin.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, that was ugly as hell, but a win’s a win. Boxxy’s gotta be pissed.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Boxxy almost had her… but she lose anyway. That gotta hurt.”
Boxxy sits up on the plywood, clearly frustrated and in pain. She looks around for Anya, but Anya is nowhere to be found. She’s already gone.
End of Commentary – Segment 4
Segment 5 – Hospital Segment (Nicki Minaj & Sterling)
The show cuts to a dimly lit hospital room. Sterling Marlin is lying in a hospital bed wearing dark aviator sunglasses. He’s completely still. There’s no visible movement, and it’s hard to tell if he’s awake or not.
Freddie Benson: (awkward, trying to stay professional) “Uh… we’re going to a hospital room now. Sterling Marlin is there, and Nicki Minaj is with him. This is definitely a different vibe than what we’ve seen so far tonight.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, this is weird. He’s just lying there with those sunglasses on. I can’t tell if he’s awake or if he’s just trying to look cool while he’s unconscious. Either way, it’s strange.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “He no moving at all… he look like he sleeping. Or maybe he not even there. I don’t know. This feel strange.”
Nicki Minaj slowly climbs on top of Sterling and starts giving him a slow, sensual lapdance while gently stroking him under the blanket.
Nicki Minaj: “You hear me, baby? I know you can hear me. Even if you can’t say nothin’ back right now… I know you hearin’ every word.”
Freddie Benson: (nervous, trying to stay professional) “Nicki’s trying to connect with Sterling here. She’s being very emotional with him while she’s… uh… with him.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, dry) “Yeah, and she’s grinding on him while she’s doing it. Real emotional. You sound uncomfortable again, Freddie. It’s actually kind of funny.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, horny, lazy) “Nicki being so sexy right now… she really trying to wake him up. I like this. She know what she doing.”
Nicki Minaj: “You one of them real ones, Sterling. One of them men that actually show up. That actually do what they say they gon’ do. That actually take care of the people around them. And I know it ain’t easy. I know this world don’t make it easy for men like you.”
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Nicki’s really pouring her heart out here. She’s talking about how Sterling is one of the good ones and how tough it can be for men like him.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, and she’s laying it on pretty thick. But you can tell she actually means it. It’s kinda sweet, in a weird way.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “She really care about him… you can hear it. She not just talking, she feel it.”
Nicki continues while still moving slowly on top of him.
Nicki Minaj: “I know you wanna be out there. I know you wanna be drivin’ that truck, makin’ sure everything run right. I know you hate sittin’ still like this. But you gotta come back to us, baby. You gotta come back strong. ‘Cause this company… this place… it needs men like you.”
Freddie Benson: (trying to stay focused) “Nicki’s making it very clear that she believes Sterling is going to come back. She’s staying very positive about his recovery.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, and she’s speaking to the guys watching too. She’s basically telling them to stay strong. It’s actually not a bad message.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “She talking to everybody watching… not just Sterling. She want them to feel strong too. It’s kinda hot when she get deep like that.”
Nicki leans down closer to Sterling.
Nicki Minaj: “I know you gon’ be good by Sunday, baby. I can feel it. You too strong to stay down forever. You gon’ come back… and when you do, everybody gon’ remember exactly who the fuck Sterling Marlin is.”
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Nicki’s staying very confident that Sterling will be back soon. She’s really putting that out there.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, she’s not being subtle about it. These fans are probably eating it up though. They love this kind of stuff.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “She really believe in him… you can hear it in her voice. She not playing around.”
The camera slowly drifts over to the doorway. Standing in the shadows is Emma Watson, watching quietly. After a few seconds, a slow, unsettling grin spreads across her face.
Freddie Benson: (nervous) “Wait… that’s Emma Watson. What is she doing there? She’s just standing in the shadows watching.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, what the hell is she doing lurking like that? This doesn’t look good. And you sound scared again. It’s actually kind of funny.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Emma just standing there… smiling. That don’t look good. She up to something bad. I don’t like that smile.”
Emma continues staring as the screen fades to black.
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Well… that was unsettling. Emma Watson was just watching from the shadows while Nicki was with Sterling. I don’t know what that was about, but it didn’t feel right.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, that was creepy as hell. She was just standing there smiling while Nicki was pouring her heart out. Something’s definitely off with her.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Emma scare me right now… she look like she planning something. That smile was not good at all.”
End of Commentary – Segment 5
Segment 6 – Jennette McCurdy vs Florence Pugh + Post-Match
The show cuts back to the flat plywood sheets in the center of the arena. The surface is visibly worse than earlier — covered in dirt, blood, and splinters.
Freddie Benson: (trying to sound professional) “Up next, we’ve got Jennette McCurdy taking on Florence Pugh. Both of these women are still pretty new to this, so this should be another rough one.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, another sloppy match on some dirty plywood. This is really the level we’re at now. Great.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “Florence still look uncomfortable… she keep holding her stomach. I don’t think she feeling too good.”
The match starts rough and ugly right away. Both women are untrained and it shows as they trade wild strikes and scramble around the plywood. Splinters fly every time they hit the ground. Jennette lands a stiff forearm that splits Florence’s lip early, and Florence fires back with a wild punch that gives Jennette a fat lip.
Freddie Benson: “This match is getting rough fast. Both of them are clearly inexperienced and you can see it in the way they’re throwing strikes.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this is sloppy as hell. They’re just swinging and grabbing. This is gonna be a mess.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “They hitting so hard… it look like it hurt. They both getting beat up already.”
As the match continues, Jennette starts to get the better of things. She’s more aggressive and starts landing cleaner shots while Florence struggles. At one point, Sara Silverman tries to get in close during a pin attempt and ends up with more splinters in her hands. She stops the action, shakes out her hands, and eventually walks off the plywood to go get gloves.
Freddie Benson: “Referee Sara Silverman is having a tough time out here. She’s getting splinters in her hands every time she gets close to the action.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, even the ref is getting fucked up on this dirty plywood. This whole thing is a disaster.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Even the ref getting hurt… this match is so messy. They all getting cut up.”
While Sara is gone, Jennette takes advantage and starts throwing closed fists and knees with no regard for the rules. Florence tries to cover up as Jennette stays on her. A short time later, Sara comes back out wearing gloves and restarts the match.
By the time she returns, Florence is in much worse shape — bleeding from the mouth with swelling around one eye. Jennette is also cut up and breathing heavy, but she’s been able to do more damage while the ref was gone.
The match stays ugly. Jennette starts to take control again and sets up for what looks like a finish, but Florence reverses it out of desperation. In the scramble, Jennette’s foot slips awkwardly on the edge of the plywood. She tries to recover, but Florence manages to roll her up in a messy pin.
1… 2… 3.
The referee calls for the bell. Florence Pugh wins after Jennette made a mistake trying to finish the match.
Freddie Benson: “Florence Pugh picks up the win! It wasn’t clean, but she got the job done after Jennette slipped up at the end.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, ugly win, but it counts. Jennette’s gotta be kicking herself for that one.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Jennette almost had it… but she mess up at the end. That’s too bad.”
Florence sits up on the plywood, clearly exhausted and in pain, holding her stomach. Wendy Williams walks out with a microphone in one hand and a plate of cheese in the other. She sits down right next to Florence.
Wendy Williams: “Okay… okay, we’re live? Florence… you just got the win. That was your first official match here in CBWL, right? How you feelin’? You good? You look… you look a little… I don’t know, you look like you gotta shit or somethin’. You good?”
Freddie Benson: “Wendy’s out here now with Florence after the match. This should be interesting.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, this is gonna be a mess. Wendy already looks lost and Florence looks like she’s about to throw up.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Wendy already confused… and Florence don’t look like she wanna talk. This gonna be awkward.”
Florence Pugh: “Yeah, it was my first match. And I won, obviously. How do I feel? I feel great. Way better than you look, that’s for sure. I mean, look at you. You’re old as hell, you’re ugly, and half the time you don’t even know what the fuck you’re saying. It’s actually kinda sad.”
Freddie Benson: (surprised) “Florence is not holding back here. She’s going right after Wendy.”
Chelsea Handler: (quick, amused) “Yeah, she’s roasting the shit out of Wendy. This is actually kind of funny.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Florence being mean to Wendy… she not holding back at all. Wendy look lost.”
Before Wendy can respond, Mariska Hargitay’s music hits. Mariska storms out onto the plywood looking pissed and gets right in Florence’s face.
Mariska Hargitay: “Florence. I’ve been hearing some things. Word around the back is that you haven’t been taking care of yourself. That you’ve been ignoring what you’re supposed to be doing to stay ready. That you’ve just been stuffing your face and acting like it’s not a problem.”
Freddie Benson: “Mariska’s out here now and she does not look happy. She’s calling out Florence right away.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, Florence was talking all that shit and now Mariska’s here to shut it down. This should be good.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Mariska look mad… Florence in trouble now.”
Mariska Hargitay: “You think this is funny? You think you can come out here, embarrass this company, and then sit here and talk shit about people who actually work here? Nah. Not happening. Since you wanna run your mouth and act like you’re above all this, I’m gonna make sure Sunday is extra special for you. On PPV, you and Kristen Bell are officially having an Eat My Shit match. And since you wanted to talk all that shit just now, I’m gonna make sure you eat every single word you just said. You brought this on yourself. Don’t forget that.”
Mariska drops the mic and walks off. Florence sits there looking completely stunned and overwhelmed.
Florence Pugh: (panicking) “Wait… wait, what the fuck did she just say? What the fuck is an ‘Eat My Shit’ match?! What does that even mean?!”
Freddie Benson: “Florence is clearly caught off guard. She has no idea what Mariska just announced.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she looks like she’s about to have a breakdown. This is actually kinda funny.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Florence freaking out… she don’t know what’s happening. She look scared.”
Wendy turns to the camera with a big, chaotic smile.
Wendy Williams: “Ohhh girl… you don’t know? You really don’t know? Okay, okay, let me explain this to the people at home ‘cause Florence over here is lost. See, word around the back is that Florence has been eating cheese. Like… a lot of cheese. All week. Non-stop. And now she’s all… backed up. You know what I’m saying? She can’t shit!”
Freddie Benson: “Wendy’s trying to explain the stipulation… in her own way.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and she’s having way too much fun with this. She’s enjoying Florence’s misery a little too much.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Wendy explaining it so bad… but she having fun. She laughing already.”
Wendy Williams: “So now I gotta ask… how the hell are you supposed to win an ‘Eat My Shit’ match if you can’t even shit?! Like, what are you gonna do? You gon’ just sit there on the toilet lookin’ stupid while Kristen Bell is out here ready to go? This is crazy!”
Florence is starting to freak out even more.
Florence Pugh: “This can’t be real. This is a joke, right? She’s not actually making me do that. There’s no way—”
Wendy Williams: “Oh it’s real, baby! It’s very real! You been out here eating cheese like it’s your last meal and now you gotta pay the price! Now you out here constipated and about to get embarrassed on live TV! This is crazy! This is actually crazy!”
Wendy starts laughing harder and harder until she suddenly starts choking and spitting. She doubles over, gags, and swallows it back down while still laughing in a wheezing, unhinged way. Then, just as quickly, the laughter stops. Her face goes blank.
Wendy Williams: (confused) “…Where am I? What’s going on? Who is this girl?”
A pair of hands reaches into frame from off-screen and grabs Wendy by the arm, pulling her away while she continues mumbling in confusion. The shot stays on Florence, who is sitting on the plywood staring straight ahead with wide, teary eyes as the camera slowly pushes in on her face before fading to black.
Freddie Benson: (awkward) “Well… that got out of hand fast. Florence looks completely overwhelmed right now.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, no shit. She just found out she has to do an Eat My Shit match while she’s constipated. I’d be crying too.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Florence look like she gonna cry… this is too much for her. Poor thing.”
End of Commentary – Segment 6
Segment 7 – Taylor Swift Promo (Up to Cha-Cha Slide)
Taylor Swift’s music hits and she makes her entrance, getting a strong reaction from the crowd as she walks down to the ring and takes a microphone.
Freddie Benson: (trying to stay professional) “Taylor Swift is out here now. She’s been pretty vocal about Sterling Marlin lately, so I’m curious what she has to say.”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, bitchy) “Yeah, she’s been playing the concerned role pretty hard. Let’s see if she actually says anything new or if she’s just gonna keep doing the same emotional routine.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “Taylor look like she got something serious to say… she got that face on. I wonder what she gonna do.”
Taylor Swift: “Charlotte… I just wanna say thank you for being here tonight. I know things have been crazy around here lately, but I appreciate every single one of you for sticking with us.”
Freddie Benson: “Taylor’s starting off by thanking the fans. She’s been pretty consistent about doing that.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s doing the whole ‘thank you for supporting us’ thing. These people eat that up every single time. It’s like free money for her.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “She being nice to the fans… they like when she do that. She know how to work them.”
Taylor Swift: “I also wanna take a second to talk about someone who isn’t out here with us right now… but is here tonight. Sterling Marlin. A lot of you have been asking about him. A lot of you have been worried. And I just want you all to know… what happened to him wasn’t right. The way he was treated… it was disgusting.”
Freddie Benson: “Taylor’s addressing Sterling Marlin again. She’s making it clear she’s not happy with how he’s been handled.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s bringing it up again. The fans are reacting to it too. They’ve been wondering what’s going on with him for weeks now.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “She really care about what happened to Sterling… you can hear it in her voice. She sound sad.”
Taylor Swift: “And I wanna personally thank Nicki Minaj for what she’s been doing for him. For being there for him when nobody else was. Nicki… you’re doing a great thing. And I just want you to know… I’ll take over for you later.”
Freddie Benson: (trying to stay professional) “Taylor’s giving Nicki credit for looking after Sterling, and she’s saying she might get involved herself.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s teasing something with that ‘I’ll take over for you later’ line. The crowd’s reacting pretty loud to that. They’re probably hoping Sterling actually shows up.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Taylor saying she gonna help too… the fans like that. They getting loud now.”
Taylor Swift: “But right now… I wanna do something for all of you. So let me ask you something… Do y’all wanna see me shake my ass to the Cha-Cha Slide?”
The crowd pops loudly as Taylor’s music hits and she starts dancing in the ring, doing the Cha-Cha Slide while the fans sing along.
Freddie Benson: “Taylor’s lightening the mood a bit here. The crowd is really into this.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, they’re eating it up. Nothing gets these people going like watching someone shake their ass on TV. Real high-class entertainment we got here.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Taylor dancing… the fans love it. She know how to get them going.”
There’s a strange energy in the building as Taylor dances. A lot of fans are still buzzing from her comments about Sterling and the idea that she might get involved with him later, and some are glancing toward the tunnel like they’re expecting something to happen.
End of Commentary – Segment 7 (Up to Cha-Cha Slide)
Segment 7 – Taylor Swift Promo + Emma Attack (Continued)
Just as Taylor hits the climax of the Cha-Cha Slide and the crowd is at its loudest, the screen cuts to black for a split second before going backstage.
Freddie Benson: (surprised) “Wait—what’s happening? We were supposed to see Taylor versus Miranda next!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, what the hell? They just cut away. Something’s going on backstage.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, confused) “They no showing the match? Something wrong…”
The camera cuts backstage where Emma Watson storms in and immediately attacks Nicki Minaj, who is completely caught off guard. Emma grabs her by the hair and slams her into the wall before throwing her to the ground and starting to beat on her.
Freddie Benson: (shocked) “Whoa! Emma Watson just attacked Nicki Minaj out of nowhere! What the hell is going on?!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, Emma just jumped her. Nicki didn’t even see it coming. This is nasty.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, excited) “Emma going crazy… she just start beating up Nicki! What is she doing?!”
Emma stays on top of Nicki, throwing hard punches and knees while Nicki tries to cover up and scramble away.
Freddie Benson: (rattled) “Emma is not letting up at all. She’s just unloading on Nicki right now.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s beating the shit out of her. This isn’t a fight, this is an assault. Nicki can’t even get up.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Emma no playing… she really hitting her hard. Nicki can’t even fight back.”
Emma grabs Nicki by the hair and slams her head into the wall again before dragging her across the floor. Nicki is clearly struggling to defend herself.
Freddie Benson: (nervous) “Emma is completely dominating Nicki right now. She’s not giving her any chance to fight back.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and you sound shocked again. What did you think was gonna happen? Emma came out here looking for blood.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Emma really going in… she dragging Nicki around like she nothing. This getting bad.”
Emma then grabs the straps from Sterling’s truck off the floor and wraps them around Nicki’s neck from behind, choking her hard as Nicki gasps and claws at the straps.
Freddie Benson: (shocked) “Emma’s got the straps now… she’s choking Nicki with them!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s not messing around. She’s trying to choke her out right here. This is getting serious.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, excited) “Emma choking her with the straps now… Nicki can’t breathe. Ay Freddy, this is getting really bad.”
Emma keeps the pressure on, pulling tight on the straps as Nicki’s legs kick and she struggles to get free. The attack is intense and relentless.
Freddie Benson: (genuinely concerned) “Nicki is in real trouble here. Emma is not letting go of those straps. This has gone way too far already.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s trying to choke her out. This isn’t wrestling anymore. Emma’s trying to hurt her bad.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “Nicki kicking… she can’t get Emma off her. Emma really trying to hurt her bad right now.”
Emma keeps choking Nicki as the screen holds on the intense attack.
Emma finally lets go of the straps. Nicki gasps and coughs violently as she tries to catch her breath. Emma stands over her for a second, then takes a slow step back. Her voice drops into a slower, colder, and disturbingly calm tone.
Emma Watson: “You have no idea what you’re doing. None. You think you’re helping him. You think you’re doing something noble. But you’re not. You’re protecting a man who doesn’t deserve to be protected.”
Freddie Benson: (visibly rattled) “Somebody needs to stop this. This isn’t right. Emma’s completely lost it.”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, bitchy) “Yeah, somebody shut her the fuck up. And while we’re at it, can we stop pretending this is feminism? This is just some bitter bitch using big words to justify being evil. Spare me.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “Ay… her tits are too small to be talking this stupid. She sound crazy right now.”
Emma keeps going, her voice staying slow and venomous.
Emma Watson: “Sterling Marlin has had every advantage this world could give him. He’s had privilege. He’s had opportunity. He’s had people willing to look the other way while he did whatever he wanted. And now that he’s finally facing consequences… you want to save him?”
Freddie Benson: (trying to stay composed but struggling) “This ain’t Hermione anymore. This is not the same person. Something is seriously wrong with her right now.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, no shit. She went from whatever she used to be to this. And these people are still sitting there watching like it’s normal. Wake the fuck up.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “She really going after Sterling now… she sound like she hate him. This getting scary, Freddy.”
Emma suddenly moves toward Sterling’s hospital bed. Without hesitation, she starts ripping the tubes and wires off of him before grabbing him and pulling him off the bed. Sterling’s body flops hard onto the cold floor with a sickening thud as he lets out a low, pained groan.
Freddie Benson: (voice cracking, then going deep) “THAT BITCH—!”
Freddie Benson: (voice cracking, sounding genuinely horrified) “Oh my god… she just pulled him off! She just ripped him off life support!
Freddie Benson: (voice breaking, sounding panicked) “She’s killing him! She’s actually killing him right in front of us! Somebody stop her! Please, somebody stop this!”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, genuinely rattled) “This isn’t wrestling anymore. This is fucking murder. She’s murdering him on live TV. What the fuck is wrong with her?!”
Sofia Vergara: (thick accent, sounding genuinely upset) “Ay no… she killing him. She really killing him right there. Freddy, this is too much. This is too much.”
The crowd is losing their minds. Boos have turned into outright screaming. People are standing up, some are throwing things, and several fans are already trying to climb over the barricades to get backstage.
Freddie Benson: (voice cracking again) “The fans are going crazy! They’re trying to get backstage! This is complete chaos right now!”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy but shaken) “Yeah, because they just watched that crazy bitch pull an old man off life support and throw him on the floor like trash. What the fuck did they expect was gonna happen? These people are losing their minds and I don’t blame them.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, upset) “The people are going crazy… they trying to run backstage. They want to stop her. This is bad, Freddy. This is really bad.”
Emma stands over Sterling’s motionless body for a second, then lets out a slow, unsettling laugh as the machines continue to beep wildly around him. Security and medical staff are now rushing toward the scene as the crowd continues to riot.
Freddie Benson: (sounding completely rattled) “This has gone way too far. Emma Watson has completely snapped. I don’t even know what to say anymore.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, well say something, because these fans are about to tear the building apart. This is actually insane.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent) “Everybody losing their mind… they want blood now. This is too crazy.”
Emma stands over Sterling’s body for a moment, breathing heavily. The machines around him are still beeping erratically. She then slowly walks over to Nicki, who is still on the ground coughing and trying to recover. Emma grabs her and starts strapping her down to the hospital gurney.
Emma Watson: (slow, cold, deliberate) “You want to play the hero? Fine. But you don’t get to pick and choose who deserves saving based on who you like. That’s not feminism. That’s just hypocrisy with better branding.”
Freddie Benson: (nervous, trying to stay professional) “Emma’s strapping Nicki to the gurney now… I don’t know what she’s planning, but this doesn’t look good.”
Chelsea Handler: (dry, sarcastic) “Yeah, she’s not done. Whatever she’s about to do, it’s not gonna be good. This bitch is completely out of control.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy, thick accent) “Emma strapping her down… she not finished yet. Ay Freddy, this is getting worse.”
Emma finishes strapping Nicki down, grabs the handles of the gurney, and starts walking with it down the long backstage hallway. She picks up speed as she moves.
Freddie Benson: “She’s pushing the gurney now… she’s moving fast. Where is she going with her?”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s moving with purpose. This isn’t gonna end well. I can already feel it.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, dumb) “She running with her now… she pushing Nicki fast. This no good.”
Emma reaches the stairwell and, without slowing down, launches the gurney down the stairs with full force. It crashes violently, tumbling and bouncing hard as it goes down multiple flights. Nicki’s screams echo through the stairwell as the gurney flips and smashes against the walls and steps.
Freddie Benson: (voice cracking, panicked) “Oh my god! She just threw her down the stairs! Emma just sent Nicki down the stairs on that gurney! Somebody call a doctor! Please, somebody help her!”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, genuinely shocked) “She threw her down the fucking stairs! What the fuck is wrong with this flat-chested little psycho?! This isn’t wrestling, this is attempted murder!”
Sofia Vergara: (thick accent, upset) “Ay no… she throw her down the stairs! Nicki hit so hard! This is crazy, Freddy. She really trying to kill her!”
The camera stays on the violent fall as the gurney crashes down multiple flights before finally coming to a stop at the bottom. The feed then cuts back to show Sterling still lying motionless on the floor as the machines around him continue to beep wildly.
Freddie Benson: (sounding completely rattled) “This is out of control! Emma Watson has completely lost it! Somebody needs to stop her before she kills somebody!”
Through the headsets, the commentators can hear Cowboy Watts yelling.
Cowboy Watts: (over headset) “Sell it like murder. Act like you just watched her try to kill that girl. Go.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy, loud) “This little flat-chested bitch just tried to murder Nicki on live TV and these idiots in the crowd are losing their minds. Some of these so-called feminists out here are probably still defending her too. Pathetic.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Emma probably don’t even shave her cunt… she act like this and she probably got a whole forest down there. Crazy bitch.”
The camera cuts to wide shots of the arena. Fans are rushing toward the stairwells and barricades, trying to get backstage. Security is struggling to hold them back. Fire alarms are now blaring throughout the building. Mobs are forming in some sections while families are desperately trying to get their kids out. In the background, John Wick (head of security) can be seen trying to control the chaos with a small team of guards.
Freddie Benson: (panicked) “The fans are rushing the stairwells! There are reports of a crush near the lower sections! People are trying to get backstage! This is complete chaos!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, because they just watched that crazy bitch try to kill somebody. What did they expect? Some of these people are straight-up rioting while others are just trying to get their families out. And of course, there’s always a few pieces of shit out here purse-snatching while everyone’s distracted.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent) “People running everywhere… some trying to fight, some just trying to leave. Ay Freddy, this is getting dangerous now.”
The feed briefly cuts to Mariska Hargitay backstage. She’s standing near Sterling’s body with tears running down her face. The camera zooms in as the tears drip down onto her chest.
Freddie Benson: (sounding emotional) “Mariska is back there with Sterling… she’s crying. You can see the tears on her face. This has affected everybody.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, she’s actually crying. Meanwhile, that flat-chested little terrorist is still running around causing chaos. This is a fucking disaster.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Mariska crying… she really upset. This is too much for everybody now.”
The fire alarms continue blaring as the show fades to black on the image of the chaotic scene.
Final Segment – Post-Commercial
We come back from commercial to a quiet backstage area. Taylor Swift, Wendy Williams, and Mariska Hargitay are gathered around Sterling Marlin, who is still lying on the floor where Emma dumped him. The machines have been moved or turned off. Taylor is visibly crying and kneeling beside him. Wendy is also in tears, though she looks more confused than anything. Mariska stands over them, trying to stay composed but clearly emotional.
Freddie Benson: (sounding shaken) “We’re back… and things are still very tense backstage right now. Taylor, Wendy, and Mariska are with Sterling. You can see how hard this has hit everybody.”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, disgusted) “Yeah, they’re all crying over him because some psychotic little bitch just beat up an old man who was on life support and then ran like a coward. This is fucking disgusting.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent, upset) “Everybody crying… even Mariska. This is really sad, Freddy. What Emma did… that was not right. That was evil.”
Mariska Hargitay: (quietly, emotional) “This ends tonight.”
She looks at Taylor.
Mariska Hargitay: “Taylor… if you can find Emma before she leaves this building, you have my full permission to do whatever you need to do. No repercussions. No consequences. Go handle it.”
Freddie Benson: (nervous) “Mariska just gave Taylor full permission to go after Emma. She’s sending her.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and Taylor’s already gone. She’s not wasting any time. Good. Somebody needs to make that bitch pay for what she did.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Taylor going after her now… she look mad. I hope she finds her.”
The camera follows Taylor as she sprints through the backstage area and bursts out into the parking garage. She looks around frantically, but Emma’s car is already gone — just the taillights disappearing in the distance.
Freddie Benson: (sounding frustrated) “Taylor made it to the parking garage… but Emma’s already gone. She just missed her.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, of course she ran. That’s what cowards do. She beats up an old man on life support, straps a woman to a gurney and throws her down the stairs like she’s nothing, and then she flees like the little bitch she is. Disgusting.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, upset) “She already left… Taylor too late. Emma run away after doing all that. This is so inhuman.”
Taylor slows down, breathing hard and clearly frustrated. She starts walking further into the garage when she notices someone near Sterling’s vandalized truck.
It’s Miranda Cosgrove.
She’s standing by the truck, looking like she was in the middle of helping Emma get away. When she sees Taylor, her eyes widen.
Freddie Benson: (sounding angry) “Taylor just found Miranda Cosgrove by the truck. She looks like she was helping Emma escape.”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, disgusted) “Yeah, she was helping that psycho get away. After everything that just happened — beating up an old man on life support and throwing a woman down the stairs — this bitch was helping her run. Unbelievable.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent) “Miranda helping Emma leave… after what she did? This is so wrong. So inhuman.”
Before Miranda can say anything, Taylor rushes her. She tackles her to the ground and starts throwing hard, angry punches with no hesitation. Miranda tries to cover up and scramble away, but Taylor stays on her, slamming her head against the concrete.
Freddie Benson: (sounding livid) “Taylor just attacked Miranda! She’s beating the hell out of her right there by the truck!”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, and I don’t blame her. After watching that little flat-chested psychopath beat up an old man who could barely move and then strap a woman to a bed and throw her down the stairs like she was trash, somebody needed to pay for it. Good. Beat her ass.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, upset) “Taylor beating her up bad… Miranda can’t even fight back. This is crazy now. Everybody is so angry.”
The sound quality starts to deteriorate as the chaos in the arena gets louder. Fire alarms are still blaring, and the roar of the crowd is bleeding heavily into the commentary mics.
Freddie Benson: (sounding more panicked) “The fans are still going crazy! People are rushing the barricades and trying to get backstage! There are reports of a crush near the lower sections!”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, angry) “Yeah, because they just watched that crazy bitch try to kill people and then run like a coward. Some of these idiots in the crowd are losing their minds while others are just trying to get their families out. And of course, there’s always a few pieces of shit out here taking advantage and purse-snatching while everyone’s distracted.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent) “People running everywhere… some fighting, some just trying to leave. Ay Freddy, this is getting dangerous now. The sound is getting so loud.”
In the background of one of the shots, John Wick (head of security) can be seen trying to control the chaos with a small team of guards as more fans push forward.
Before Miranda can say anything, Taylor rushes her. She tackles her to the ground and starts throwing hard, angry punches with no hesitation. Miranda tries to cover up and scramble away, but Taylor stays on her, slamming her head against the concrete multiple times.
Freddie Benson: (sounding angry) “Taylor just attacked Miranda! She’s beating the hell out of her right there by the truck!”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, cheering it on) “Yeah! Get her ass! Beat the shit out of that Nickelodeon Mexican who Mexicant! She was helping that psycho escape after everything she just did!”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent, excited) “Taylor going crazy on her… Miranda can’t even fight back. Ay, she really laying her out!”
Taylor continues to beat Miranda down, slamming her against the ground until Miranda stops moving. She’s left laid out and unconscious right next to Sterling’s destroyed truck.
Freddie Benson: (sounding rattled but satisfied) “Taylor just laid Miranda out. She’s not moving. After everything that happened tonight, I don’t blame her for going after her.”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy, laughing) “Yeah, good. That little Nickelodeon bitch was helping that flat-chested psycho run after she beat up an old man on life support and threw a woman down the stairs. She got exactly what she deserved.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Miranda got beat up bad… she just laying there now. Taylor didn’t hold back at all.”
Taylor stands over Miranda for a second, breathing heavily, then turns and runs back inside toward Sterling without looking back. The camera slowly pushes in on Sterling’s vandalized truck — tires slashed, windows busted, the whole thing completely wrecked — with Miranda lying unconscious right beside it.
Freddie Benson: (sounding emotional) “Taylor’s gone back inside… and we’re left with this. After everything that happened tonight — the attack on Nicki, what she did to Sterling, and now this — it’s just chaos.”
Chelsea Handler: “Yeah, what a perfect way to end this shitshow. Everything’s fucked, and that little Nickelodeon Mexican is laid out cold next to the truck. Couldn’t have happened to a better person.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “Everything is so messed up tonight… even Sterling’s truck is broken. This was a crazy show, Freddy.”
The shot lingers on the image of the destroyed truck and Miranda lying beside it as the show fades to black.
The camera stays on the image of Sterling’s vandalized truck with Miranda Cosgrove laid out unconscious beside it. In the background, the sound of the arena has become almost unbearable. Fire alarms are still blaring loudly, and the roar of the crowd has turned into complete chaos. People are screaming, some are rushing the barricades, and security is visibly struggling to maintain control.
Freddie Benson: (sounding overwhelmed, voice strained) “Folks… we’re trying to get you out of here, but things are getting out of hand. The fans are still trying to get backstage, there are reports of a crush near the lower levels, and security is having a hard time keeping control—”
Chelsea Handler: (loud, angry) “Yeah, because they just watched that crazy bitch beat up an old man on life support and throw a woman down the stairs like she was nothing. What the fuck did they expect these people to do? Sit there and clap?”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, thick accent, sounding genuinely upset) “Everything is falling apart… people running, fighting, trying to leave. Ay Freddy, this is bad. This is really bad right now.”
The audio quality continues to deteriorate as the chaos in the arena bleeds heavily into the commentary mics. In the background of one of the shots, John Wick can be seen trying to push back a group of fans with a small team of security as more people surge forward.
Freddie Benson: (sounding panicked) “We’re being told to get out of here… the situation is getting worse by the second. We don’t even know if we’re going to be able to stay on the air much longer—”
Chelsea Handler: (bitchy, but clearly shaken) “Yeah, well tell that to the flat-chested little terrorist who caused all this. She started a goddamn riot and then ran like a coward. What a fucking joke.”
Sofia Vergara: (slow, lazy) “People are losing their minds… some are trying to get out, some are trying to fight. This is crazy. I don’t even know what to say anymore.”
The feed cuts between shots of the rioting crowd, security trying to hold the line, and the destroyed truck with Miranda still laid out beside it. The fire alarms continue to wail as the picture begins to break up slightly from the chaos.
Freddie Benson: (sounding completely overwhelmed) “We’re being pulled off the air… things are getting too dangerous. We’ll see you Sunday at CBWL… if we’re even still standing by then.”
The feed cuts out on the image of the chaotic scene as the fire alarms continue to blare.
SEE YOU SUNDAY AT CBWL
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