Scene: Rosie O’Donnell’s House – Night
Tony Soprano and Butterbean pull up outside the house. Tony checks his silenced pistol one more time, then nods at Butterbean. They don’t knock.
Butterbean kicks the door in.
Inside, Rosie’s husband is sitting on the couch watching TV. He starts to stand up when he sees the two men barge in.
Tony Soprano doesn’t hesitate.
Thwip.
A single muffled shot from the silenced pistol hits the husband center mass. He drops back onto the couch, twitching once before going still. Rosie comes rushing out from the kitchen, eyes wide.
Rosie O’Donnell: What the fu—
Before she can finish, the golden retriever comes charging down the hallway, barking aggressively. Butterbean steps forward and throws a single, devastating punch straight into the dog’s face mid-charge. The impact is sickening. He grabs the stunned animal by the scruff of its neck, lifts it up, and punches it again — so hard the dog’s body flies three feet backward and crashes through a plate glass window, leaving a bloody smear on the glass as it collapses outside.
Rosie screams.
Tony walks straight up to her and slaps her hard across the face, then follows it with another, then another — each one targeting the heavy folds of skin under her arms and around her stomach. He grabs a big handful of her side fat and slaps it repeatedly, the sound wet and heavy.
Tony Soprano: (cold, low, with that old-school Staten Island bite) You loud, fat, disgusting bitch. You know why I’m really here?
He slaps her again, this time across her heavy chest, then grabs her by the throat and slams her back against the wall.
She’s crying now, confused and in pain, completely lost.
Rosie O’Donnell: (sobbing) I don’t— I don’t even know who you are! What the fuck do you want?!
Tony finally stops slapping her. He grabs her by the jaw and forces her to look at him, his face cold and expressionless.
Tony keeps his grip on Rosie’s jaw, forcing her to look at him. She’s crying, her face red and already starting to swell in places. Behind them, her husband is still on the couch, breathing wetly and bleeding heavily from the gunshot wound. The dog’s bloody body lies outside in the broken glass.
Tony stares at her for a long second before speaking, his voice low and flat.
Tony Soprano: We came here to talk to you about a job. Backstage work. Interviewing the girls. That’s why we’re here.
Rosie’s eyes are wide and confused. She’s still trying to process everything.
Rosie O’Donnell: (shaking, voice cracking) A… a job? You kicked my door in and shot my husband for a fucking job?!
Tony doesn’t answer that. Instead, his expression shifts slightly — colder, more personal.
Tony Soprano: But that’s not really why I’m here.
He lets go of her jaw and takes a small step back, looking her up and down with open disgust.
Tony Soprano: You know why I’m really here? ‘Cause years ago, you sat on your fat fucking show and ran your mouth about kids like mine. All that shit about how they were angry and lost and it was the parents’ fault. My son AJ… he was already fucked up enough. Watching you run your mouth like you knew anything about anything just made it worse. Got in his head. Made shit harder at home. And now here you are — old, nasty, and still breathing like the world needs to hear what you think.
He steps forward again and slaps her hard across one of her heavy rolls, the sound loud and wet. Rosie cries out and tries to cover herself.
Tony Soprano: (low, almost calm) You shoulda kept your fucking mouth shut.
Butterbean stands a few feet away, arms crossed, watching. After a moment, he speaks up in his usual slow, straightforward way.
Butterbean: She seen our faces, Tony.
Tony doesn’t look at him right away. He keeps staring down at Rosie, who’s now sliding down the wall, crying and holding her side.
Tony Soprano: (quietly, to himself at first) Yeah… I know.
Tony stares down at Rosie for a few more seconds. She’s slumped against the wall, crying and holding her side, completely lost. Her husband is still on the couch, bleeding and barely conscious, watching everything with wide, terrified eyes. The dog’s bloody body lies outside in the broken glass.
Tony makes a decision.
Tony Soprano: (flat, to Butterbean) We’re not killing her here. Too messy. Get the carpet.
Butterbean nods and grabs the rolled-up rug they used earlier. Together, they force Rosie onto it and wrap her up tightly. She’s crying and weakly struggling the entire time, still confused.
Rosie O’Donnell: (muffled, panicked) Please— I don’t understand— who are you people?!
Tony doesn’t answer. He and Butterbean carry the carpet-wrapped Rosie out of the house and load her into the back of the SUV like a piece of furniture. They leave the husband bleeding on the couch and the dog’s body in the grass.
Later That Night – Same Cheap Budget Motel
Tony and Butterbean pull up to the dingy motel where Wendy Williams is staying. They carry the carpet inside and unroll it on the floor of the same room.
Rosie spills out, bruised and crying. Wendy is sitting on the edge of the bed, looking dazed and lost. She barely reacts when she sees another woman get dumped on the floor.
Tony stands over Rosie, cold and emotionless.
Tony Soprano: You’re staying here. Both of you. We’ll be back.
Rosie looks up at him, eyes wide with fear and confusion.
Rosie O’Donnell: (weakly) Back? Back for what? I don’t even know who you are—
Tony Soprano: (cutting her off) Doesn’t matter. Just stay in the room. Don’t call nobody. Don’t do nothing stupid.
He stares at her for another second, then turns and walks out without another word. Butterbean follows.
Outside – In the Truck
Tony lights a cigarette as soon as they get back in the SUV. He sits there for a moment, smoking in silence, before pulling out his phone and calling the office.
Jim Ross answers.
Jim Ross: (on the phone) Tony? How’d it go with Rosie?
Tony Soprano: (casual, vague) It didn’t work out.
Jim Ross: …Didn’t work out? What do you mean? She say no?
Tony Soprano: Yeah. She said no. We’re heading back.
He hangs up before JR can ask any more questions.
Butterbean glances over from the driver’s seat.
Butterbean: You think they’re gonna buy that?
Tony Soprano: (staring out the window, voice low) Long as they don’t go looking too hard, yeah.
He takes another drag off his cigarette as they drive off into the night, leaving both Wendy Williams and Rosie O’Donnell in the same dirty motel room — confused, beaten, and waiting.
Tony has once again gone way further than Cowboy asked him to. Cowboy only told him to go talk to Rosie. Everything after that was Tony deciding to handle it his own way.
Scene: Airport Terminal – Connecting Flight Layover
Tony Soprano and Butterbean are sitting in a shitty airport terminal, waiting for their connecting flight. Tony’s phone finally picks up signal after being on airplane mode. A second later, it starts buzzing with missed calls and voicemails.
He checks the screen.
3 missed calls – Cowboy Watts
Tony sighs and puts the phone to his ear, listening to the first voicemail.
Cowboy Watts: (on voicemail, clearly annoyed) Tony, where the fuck are you? I’ve been trying to reach you for the last hour. Listen… we fucked up. The left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing. We already signed Chelsea Handler. Remember? She was one of the first names we locked in weeks ago.
There’s a pause, and Cowboy’s voice gets sharper.
Cowboy Watts: (on voicemail) So whatever the fuck you and Butterbean are doing out there with Rosie, cut it short and get your asses back to the office. Now. We don’t need her. Call me when you land.
Beep.
Tony slowly lowers the phone from his ear, staring at it with a blank expression. Butterbean glances over.
Butterbean: What’d he say?
Tony Soprano: (quiet, flat) …We already signed Chelsea Handler.
Butterbean blinks.
Butterbean: Wait… what?
Tony Soprano: (still staring at his phone) Yeah. Apparently we signed her weeks ago. Cowboy’s pissed. Wants us back at the office.
He leans back in the hard plastic chair and rubs his face with one hand, letting out a long, tired exhale.
Tony Soprano: (muttering) Fucking figures.
Butterbean shifts uncomfortably in his seat.
Butterbean: So… what do we do about Rosie? We already got her at the motel with Wendy.
Tony doesn’t answer right away. He just stares across the terminal, jaw tight.
Tony Soprano: (low) We’ll deal with it when we get back.
He lights a cigarette (ignoring the no-smoking signs) and takes a slow drag, clearly annoyed that he went through all that trouble for nothing.
Butterbean: …You think Cowboy’s gonna be mad?
Tony Soprano: (without looking at him) He will be. But not as mad as he’d be if he found out what we actually did.
He flicks ash onto the floor and stays quiet after that, waiting for their next flight to board.
Tony and Butterbean are now stuck dealing with the consequences of going off the rails for no reason.
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